I am exhausted.
That's it, this is confession #7.
It doesn't sound like much of a confession, does it, but it is (sort of, kind 'a) considering that, for some reason, people expect me to be cheerful, exuberant, enlightening, inspirational, and energetic (or "chipperfuck", as my husband Joe calls it) all the time.
I hate to disappoint, but I'm tired. I have to admit that when I put some of my most recent videos together, I'm numb with exhaustion, and a couple times I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. But, for some reason, there are people like me (thank insanity, or stupidity) who just feel they need to keep going, and going, and going, and...
Why am I so tired?
1) This gawd-forsaken never-ending Winter (said with great disdain and a scowly face). If I were confronted by Frosty the Snowman today, I'd shoot the bastard.
2) Financial stress...too many bills, not enough money coming in. Budgeting on a shoestring is not all it's cracked up to be. And this is so funny-- some days this topic seems overwhelming; and other days it's given barely a nod of recognition. I think that it all depends on perspective. It comes from trying to look at the Big Picture, when the Big Picture is too overwhelming and can't possibly fit into the everyday frame of life. Sometimes, I tell myself (and other people tell me), take a deep breath and just think about/take care of One-Thing-At-A-Time.
3) Job related stress, or the lack there-of...I've been doing so many really cool things-- damn cool neat shit (some I can talk about, and some you will probably never have a clue). Life has been very exciting, life has tossed out some unexpected and new experiences for me to taste, just like chocolate chip cookies; but the ironic thing about all this damn cool neat shit is that it is not bringing in one penny of income (at least not right now, nor in the foreseeable future).
Ideas for Jobs...
I am apparently not qualified for any sort of employment, or Regular-Jobs, in this community. (Yes, I've tried dozens of places, dozens of applications, only a couple actual interviews.) So I figure I have to look at what I CAN do, what ideas I have for jobs related to me and Things-I-Can-Do:
1) My Own Business...we are pondering, in an on again/off again way, about starting up some sort of shop-- a magickal shop? a coffee shop? a tattoo shop? a tea n' tarot shop? a book shop? any or all of the afore-mentioned? To tell you the truth, I've wanted to do this for years, but to tell you the truth, at my age (I'll be 58 this year) the prospect of taking out a Huge Loan and trying to physically organize and run a new business, with no experience at doing this I should mention, is rather daunting. And, if we were to open up a business, where would it be? I can't hardly see me opening a Tea n' Tarot Shop in Fremont NE. Most people I've talked to about this point their finger westward-- "You need to be in California." they say. Tell me about it.
2) Books!...yay, I have a new book coming out. This is exciting, and I'm proud, and anxious, and feel deliciously accomplished and successful. BUT, this book isn't even being released until April, and after that it will be months and months before I actually see a penny coming in from it (sometimes not until the end of the year). In the meantime, I am a bag of nerves, and I spend many hours (too many hours) trying to push and promote, to hawk and sell this book online, through radio appearances, through word-of-mouth, through blogging (ahem), posting at various sites, etc. ad-infinitum. I actually contacted Ms. Magazine the other day (an email to Michele Kort, the editor) to inquire if they would be interested in doing a review (all reviews are done in-house). After really going over this magazine (I'm thinking, I'm a feminist, the book is on spiritual feminism, what's not to love) I realize that I probably don't fit into the glossy modern business savvy political female persona of that genre-- which is so ironic, even among the Feminist, I am a unique individual who doesn't fit any of the molds.
3) Radio!...okay, Woman Speak was first conceived as a radio program, then as a google hangout, and then back to a radio program, and it finally evolved into a "Video Series", which is a Youtube video that is monetized. But lets face it, unless a video goes viral, you're only going to be making pennies on it-- literally! And do you want to know the truth-- my aspirations for the Woman Speak project actually went way beyond radio, I was thinking that this could be a really Cool talk show. And I don't mean the usual woman drivel Let's-Look-At-Wedding-Dresses and What-Are-You-Feeding-Your-Babies-These-Days; but a television show that would touch on touchy Feminist subjects, a show that wouldn't be afraid to dip it's tippy-toes into the Pagan World as well as the mundane world of the Unusual Woman, women who live and think "outside the box". (If there's a producer out there who's interested, call me.)
Are you tired? Tired of Winter? Just plain tired?
What's making you tired?
And what can you do to fix the situation?