Hello, World! In-between being married five times, I've been single. Whenever the new Single Phase descends upon me, I am thrown into the arena of singledom and all that this implies. This last time finds me at a unique and pivotal point in life at the ripe old age of 59 (Sept 24th). You would think, you'd think, that as we grow older, we also grow wiser in a number of ways, and this would include our interaction with the opposite sex ~ How we approach another individual; how we interact with them on a human, compassionate, intelligent level. How we pick up on their vibes, their natural energy, and their unspoken feelings.
You would think that, naturally, just like everything else in life, we'd get more tuned in, more mature, and better at this; what with getting older, and life experience, and everything.
Well, you'd be wrong.
To be honest, I don't think anything has changed in this arena of life since Junior High. Sad, but true. The only difference I see so far is there are no curfews; and we're more concerned with taxes, insurance, and retirement plans rather than hall passes and homework.
With all this in mind, new as I am yet to this Single Phase, I've decided to write this essay directed at men, on how NOT to pick up chicks. I don't have a choice really. It was either write this blog post, or scream "Are you F***'in kidding me?!!!" from my roof top, which would probably have disturbed my neighbors and alarmed my children.
So, with that said, here's how NOT to pick up chicks ~
1. Be totally self-absorbed.
Naturally, when you're trying to pick up a woman, she's going to want to know every minute detail about YOU; and you can automatically assume, right off the bat, that she's going to share all of your interests with great enthusiasm and devotion. Don't bother asking her about HER interests, or hobbies, dreams or goals, favorite pastimes, etc. She's going to find you so magnetic, so mesmerizing, that she will automatically keel over in rapt joy at the prospect of car shows, car races, baseball, football, poker, etc. etc. She will wait with feverish anticipation, putting her entire life and activities on hold, to be asked to join you in your sacred world. Your charm has won her over, she will revolve around your existence, your needs and wants, totally captivated by you, abandoning all other responsibilities, personal activities, or relationships that might interfere with your world.
If you do happen to slip in a question about what she likes to do, or what she's accomplished, or interested in, don't bother following up on it. Just asking the question is enough to show her that you really care about her as a person.
2. Give her intimate details about your past partners.
There's nothing that a woman loves more than to hear about your sexual escapades with former partners...everything from what kind of sex they like, what positions worked for them, as well as some personal one-on-one memorable moments. Also, be sure to share naked photos former partners have shared with you, which can also lead to a discussion of breasts, breast size, areola shapes, the differences in shades of pubic hair, etc. As you're relating all of these fascinating details, make sure that you whine a great deal about what a bitch your former wife (or girl friend) is. Make sure you expand on how disgusting you find her, how stupid, illiterate, conniving, slutty, or how she started off really cool, but of course, transformed into any of the previously listed attributes.
3. "No" doesn't really mean "no".
If a woman turns you down flat, don't give up. You're so charming and attractive and such a good catch that she's just playing hard to get, or she just doesn't know what she really wants. When she says, "No, I do not want to go out with you."...she's just kidding, or she really wants to, she just hasn't figured out her own mind yet, she's confused. So you have to show her. This means that you need to tell her even more about yourself. Don't bother trying to get to know her on any sort of deeper level; you're so interesting that she'll be absorbed by it, and besides, her interests/hobbies/accomplishments won't be that interesting, and they're probably miniscule in comparison to you and your life.
If she's really stubborn and just can't make up her mind, and she keeps refusing your invitations, make sure that she see's you with other women, so she gets an idea of just how attractive and desirable you are.
4. A Few Last Pointers ~
A. It's okay if you're not financially stable, or able to pay your own bills. Once you get this gal on board, she can help you with these issues.
B. If you don't own a home, or you don't maintain your own space (as in renting an apartment), don't worry. Once you get this gal on board, you can move into her place.
C. If you don't own a vehicle, it's really not a problem. Once you get this gal on board, she can either be your personal chauffeur, or you can borrow her car.
It's all good.