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Thursday, October 31, 2019

Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ Audio Version

Daily Tarot Cards/Audio Version

You'll find the written version of these cards
posted at
 The Tarot Parlour's FB Page

Like or Follow The Tarot Parlour Facebook Page to receive updates when I post daily cards ~
Image may contain: coffee cup and text
I just pulled 8 of cups ~ this is the card that tells you when it's time to leave, its time to end something, and it's time to move on to other places, events, and people in life. I'm hearing a couple different things... 1) Someone may regret a hasty exit, or a hasty ending. The thing is, once the story has evolved to this point, it's very hard, if not impossible, to go back. It's like zombie movies -- you can revive the dead, but they'll never be quite be the same 2) I see a couple who have separated, one of you is determinedly trudging ahead, not looking back, trying very hard to move forward and focus on the future. The other one is morosely reliving and rethinking the relationship, unable to move on, and regretting the separation. What happens in a situation like this? It depends on how successful the first person is on moving forward. And it depends on how long the second person will wait for them to return.

Visit my website, The Tarot Parlour, at

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

7 Things Crazy-In-love Couples Do

Did you know you can transform your relationship in 20 seconds?

If you truly want the best relationship possible, don't leave the fate of your "happily in love" connection to luck or chance. Trust me, couples who thrive for the long-term actively choose behaviors that keep them in a good place with each other.

As a marriage therapist who has been happily married and counseling for 40 years, here are the top 7 habits I see ridiculously happy couples practice faithfully:

1. Spend time together.

It is staggering how many couples come to my office having not spent a single meaningful moment together since their last session. I know, I know — Kids and jobs quickly derail your chances of alone time. But come on! You can't connect if you never spend time together. It's the most obvious and basic step of keeping love alive.

So get with it, pull out your calendars, set a date to spend some time together, and then honor it. Create a space where you can breathe together, that is when meaningful connection and conversations occur.

2. Know your partner's love language.

This one is so important. Just because your mom sang your praises for cleaning up your room doesn't mean your partner is as impressed by the act. We each value different loving behaviors and gestures in our relationship. Often, couples have completely different love languages.

If you don't know what your partner's is, ask. Your honey has probably tried to share theirs, but you may have missed it. So, find out today.

Just ask, "What things have I done that make you feel the most loved?" Perhaps it will be the time you surprised her by cooking dinner. Perhaps his will be just touching him affectionately.

Unsure of what the different love languages are? Make a date to flip through The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman together. Discovering your partner's love language makes showing appreciation and affection truly fun and fulfilling.

3. Commit to 20-second hugs twice a day.

I'm not talking about a polite, A-shaped hug. I mean a hip-to-hip, really holding each other bear hug. Why must it last 20 seconds? Because that's how long it takes for your oxytocin to kick in (otherwise known as "the cuddle hormone"), which gives you that delightful feeling that all is right with the world (and your relationship).

I regularly "prescribe" 20-second hugs to my patients because the gesture is powerful medicine. So, every morning before you leave for work and then again when you get home, spend 20 full seconds in an embrace. I guarantee you, one or both of you will quickly slip into your happy place.

But remember, because it works so well and feels so good, if you skip this ritual too often, your partner will soon feel uncared for. So, commit to it and enjoy it!

4. Learn to listen (without interrupting).

Nothing says "I love you" more than really listening when your partner speaks... about their thoughts, about their feelings. Even about that big meeting with their boss and their stressful busy day.

Authentic listening is a skill most people struggle with. It means shutting off your screens, dialing down your own thoughts, making eye contact, nodding your head in an appreciative way — you know, actually caring and being present. Supportive grunts and high-fives are also appropriate. Bonus points for touching your partner's arm at appropriate moments to show you're genuinely paying attention.

Giving your partner the floor without needing to put in your own two cents (or stealing the spotlight) shows that their thoughts and feelings are as important to you as your own. Just make sure to mirror back what your partner says (without editorial comments, of course). Don't tell them what to do, simply reflect what you heard them say and your understanding of how it impacted them.

5. Keep each other in the loop.

How can you know when to celebrate or commiserate with your partner if they don't keep you informed about what's going on in their life? If your partner believes their entire work future depends on keeping this current client happy, you can suggest dinner out to toast occasions when those happy client moments occur. Or when your partner shares that they're working through tension in a valued family connection, you can smile and show support when they report that speed bump was successfully smoothed over.

We all want and need to come home to someone who carries us in their mind as we face the challenges and joys of our day. Knowing that your partner cares about your life outside of just your relationship together makes you feel protected, cheered for, and like your place on Earth matters.

6. Actually plan your future together (on an actual calendar).

Most of the stuff that matters in relationships won't happen unless it's on the calendar. This includes sex, getting together with friends, and making time to see each other. Making time every month to set goals together will increase your sense that you're on the same journey together, planning a meaningful future that you both prioritize and value.

Remember, you're on a team, so pull together, whether it's around the children, your individual career goals, your sex life, or just figuring out what you want to do this weekend.

7. Reassure each other often.

Everyone needs reassurance from time to time. Don't wait until one of you needs it to give it. Frequently affirming how much you care keeps the other person relaxed and feeling safe in your relationship. Sometimes an out-of-nowhere, heartfelt "I love you" instantly makes up for all of those moments when you didn't understand each other.

And nothing keeps us feeling secure in our relationship like hearing all of the ways our partner appreciates us. It's hard to slip into insecurity about their love when they've just mentioned two reasons why they're so glad you're in their life. 


Human beings survive across the ages because our brains evolved with a negativity bias... remaining ever alert to what's possibly wrong. Our brains feed us flashes of every potential danger which often means we're imagining some of them. When you see your partner panic and "make up" a problem, rather than get mad or defensive, reach out to them calmly. They just need some reassurance to quiet that primal part of their brain.

The common thread of the 7 habits above is that they each teach happy couples to focus on what is going right in their relationship versus what is going wrong. So celebrate what you want to see more of.

Compliment instead of criticizing. Deep down we all yearn for the feeling found in the beautiful words of Mr. Rogers: "I love you... just the way you are." Challenge yourself to let go of criticism, and invite your partner to rest in the happiness of being loved for exactly that.

As a marriage counselor and partner to his wife for over 40 years, Dr. Jim Walkup helps couples build their relationship to last a lifetime. Visit his website for a copy of his eBook "A Marriage Counselor’s Secrets To Making Your Marriage Sizzle". Or, if you're in the state of New York, to schedule a Skype appointment or an in-person office appointment, call 914-548-8645 or drop Dr. Walkup an email at jimwalkup@gmail.com

Coaching Your Brain to Stop Being Angry

You and a relative, significant other, friend, or coworker had a falling out. The wounds are still fresh. You’re still angry. Every time you think of their indiscretion, you seethe. Maybe plenty of time has gone by since the incident, but you just can’t seem to get over it. Here’s what you can do.


To get past your anger, it helps to understand what anger really is. Feelings are generated by what’s called the “motivational system.” They’re a way of helping you gauge how effectively your goals are being met. And it’s how you interpret those feelings that creates an emotional experience.

When a goal that matters to you gets blocked, that feels bad. The more important the goal, the stronger the negative feeling. When circumstances cause the goal to fail, then you’re frustrated by those circumstances. But when an individual is the source of the blockage, then you get angry at them, since they’re the source of the problem.

From an evolutionary standpoint, the high energy and aggressive posture that come with anger make lots of sense. If you have to fight off a foe, then yelling and using physical force can be useful. In the modern world though, where so many of our goals are conceptual and no amount of physical force can help us solve our problems, anger can be less useful, to say the least.

In order to calm yourself down and ease these emotions, particularly if they’ve lasted for a while, you can’t just try and force the original incident out of your mind and hope you’ll eventually stop being mad. You need to look back at what the person did to you. Does it still seem as important now as it did when it first happened? If not, then you might want to try forgiving the person for their action. If what they did seems unforgivable though, then you’ll need another strategy.


But first, consider forgiveness. There’s growing evidence that forgiveness benefits the forgiver, not just the forgiven.

One of the reasons we stay angry at people is because we’re reminded continuously of the details of what they did to us. Those details make the transgression feel fresh. Remembering them reignites activity in the motivational system, which causes the original anger to flame up all over again.

So, when someone says, “I can forgive but never forget,” don’t believe them. When you forgive someone, it helps you to forget the details of what the person did to you. The two go hand in hand. Over time, this forgetting makes it harder for the transgression to really activate your motivational system again. As a result, you’re no longer able to generate the energy required to really feel angry at the other person.

You may always be wary of them, and you may not fully trust them ever again, but that’s different than staying mad. Even if your relationship doesn’t recover, at least you won’t remain actively angry at them forever.


What about when you really can’t forgive someone? Does that doom you to reliving in vivid detail the circumstances of the original blow-up forever? Not necessarily. Even when you can’t forgive, you don’t necessarily need to put yourself in situations that preserve high levels of anger toward them. The strength of your emotional reaction to a person depends on the degree of psychological engagement you have with them. This may make the process more challenging if there is constant and close proximation.

Often, when you’re angry with somebody, you tend to think repeatedly about the thing they did to you, which keeps you emotionally engaged with the way you were wronged. Psychologists call this repetitious thought pattern “rumination,” after the term for how cows chew their cud.

To avoid ruminating, give yourself some psychological distance from the situation. Focus on other aspects of your life. When you do think about the situation, imagine it from the perspective of one of your friends, not from your own standpoint. By pushing yourself to see it from the outside, you’ll be coaxing your mind to think of the situation more abstractly. As a result, the specific details of what that person did will be less available to you, and so they’ll have less influence on your emotional state.


Finally, it’s worth pointing out that anger tends to lock us into a single way of thinking about what happened. That interpretation becomes a sore that won’t heal.

An alternative approach is to find other ways to characterize the situation. Expressions like “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade” are actually onto something, psychologically speaking, because they encourage you to look at your current situation in a different way. The transgression someone else committed may still have created another opportunity for you that you might not have considered otherwise. That may not make you feel better about the person, or the indiscretion, but it may make you feel better about the current situation.

You can also try considering the situation from the vantage point of the person you’re mad at. We have a strong tendency to assume that others’ actions are driven by characteristics they have (like being weak, deceitful, or dishonest) rather by the circumstances that lead them to take those actions. When you take that person’s perspective, aspects of their situation may become more obvious, and that may help you understand why they acted as they did, even if you still don’t agree with it.

It’s never easy to stop being mad at someone. And you may even feel like their behavior fully warrants staying mad at them. But the emotion of anger can be powerful, and it rarely leads us to make productive decisions in life. If you can’t find a way to get past it, you won’t just be punishing the other person with your anger, you may be hurting yourself, too.


Art Markman, PhD is a professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas at Austin and Founding Director of the Program in the Human Dimensions of Organizations. Art is the author of Smart Thinking and Habits of Leadership, Smart Change, Brain Briefs, and, most recently, Bring Your Brain to Work.

Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ from The Tarot Parlour

I just pulled 5 tarot cards for today. Is there something that you need to hear?… 10/pentacles; 10/cups; 2/wands; 8/cups; 7/swords ~

I just pulled 7 of swords ~ a liar is about to put his foot in his mouth, or to fall in a well-placed trap. People who practice deception should realize that deception is a facade. This facade takes a lot of work and energy to create, and it can’t be successfully held in place forever. The truth will eventually pop out, like a glitch in the matrix. What follows is a domino effect. People who practice deception are usually willing to risk losing everything… follow the link above to see what the other cards have to say.

Friday, October 25, 2019

In the Spirit of Halloween ~ Ask a Mortician

This little lady is a mortician in Los Angeles, with a mortuary business called "Undertaking LA".  She's the author of books on death, and she's an advocate for "going green" with natural burials and a lot of what would be considered unorthodox alternatives.  She's hilarious, and charming, and an absolute delight to watch -- yes, even with her subject matter.

Enjoy!... Caitlin Doughty

Book Tour:

"From Here to Eternity"

Book Tour:

"Smoke Gets in Your Eyes"

Book Tour:

"Will Cats Eat My Eyeballs"

Ms. Doughty answers questions
from children in her new book.

When You Fall In Love With the Guy Who's Still In Love With His Ex

  • When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you probably won’t realize it at first. He’s hooking up with you.  He’s obviously not that broken up about his last relationship.

  • When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you may begin to notice that he has good days and bad days. Sometimes it seems like he can’t keep his hands off you, and other days he’s standoffish, impatient, and sharp. Or he treats you with disinterest, or as an irritation.

  • When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you’ll eventually pick up on the unusual tone in his voice when he speaks of her.  Maybe he brings her up too frequently in conversations and a wistful look comes over his face, or he'll become emotional talking about an incident that made her sad or unhappy.  You’ll awkwardly stand and listen.  You don’t want to rudely interrupt him, but you’d rather discuss just about anything else in the world than this.  Or maybe it’s the opposite – each time you ask a casual question about her, he wears a pained expression and changes the topic as soon as possible. It’s evident that he would rather discuss just about anything else in the world than this.

  • When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you may spot her name pop up ever so often on his phone, or he may attempt to hide her in his contacts under another name.  You try not to dwell on it.  It’s perfectly normal, in certain situations, for exes to remain friends and nothing inconvenient comes from it.  But something doesn't feel right.  Your intuition kicks in, and you realize the amount of contact going on is not normal, and the secrecy surrounding this contact is definitely not normal.  He's treating this connection with his ex like a man who's having an affair.

This unusual contact with his ex will make you feel like a third wheel.  You won't understand what your role in his life is, and you may even feel like you're interloping on their "husband/wife" relationship.   Finally, you may muster up the courage to utter the dreaded question,  “What are we?”  Because you're honestly not sure.

It took you immense effort to conjure enough confidence to ask this question, and his long stumbling detailed response to this question prompts you to ask another... “Are you still in love with your ex?”

Your boldness takes both of you by surprise. He stares at you, mouth agape, contemplating how he’s going to answer this question, but his hesitation already answered the question for you.  Your next question, "What on earth do you two talk about?" and his long astonished embarrassed silent pause confirms your suspicions.

  • Deep down you know that if you fell for a man who wasn’t still in love with his ex, he would have immediately answered these questions with no hesitation.  Better yet, there would have been no signs that compelled you to even ask him about his relationship and feelings for his ex.  The issue would have been non-existent.  Most people, men and women alike, are eager to put their past relationships behind them.  If you suspect someone is not over their ex, you’re probably right.

  • If you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you need to accept it and move on.  It may be hard, really hard, but what’s even harder is living with the knowledge that another woman still occupies his heart. You could put all of your energy into trying to win him over, to show him how much you love him, and how devoted to him and your relationship you are... you could cook all his favorite foods; you could perpetually be ready to have sex at any moment; and you could wait on him hand and foot, being at his every beck and call. But not only will this be futile, you don’t deserve the burden of trying to make room in his heart for you, and you alone.

You deserve a man whose thoughts revolve around you, and only you, as his partner and someone who shares his life.  You deserve someone who chooses you as much as you have chosen them.  You deserve a man who is going to put 100% of himself into the success of your relationship. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ Video/Audio

Daily Tarot Cards/Audio Version

You'll find the written version of these cards
posted at The Tarot Parlour's FB Page

This is the audio version of Daily Tarot Cards for cards drawn on 10-23-2019.  Regardless of the date these cards were pulled, these cards and this reading will be pertinent to you whenever you discover it and hear it.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Digital Cheating ~ Infidelity in the Modern World

Clinical Psychologist, Andrea Bonior PHD

In my years as a clinical psychologist and advice columnist, I have seen firsthand that infidelity has many forms, from sex outside of an established relationship to hiding a secret bank account. With the advent of social media, though, a new kind of cheating has emerged... digital flirtation and intimacy that violate the bounds of a marriage or commitment. In fact, some recent research suggests not only that active Facebook and Twitter users are at heightened risk for relationship conflict because of their social media use, but that this activity significantly correlates with a heightened risk of infidelity and divorce.

Mild, in-person flirtation is often fleeting and superficial, but when communication extends to social media, texts, and email, your partner becomes available 24/7 for temptation and increased emotional connection. "Is he cheating on me?" you may wonder. But the question might not be as black-or-white as you think.

Whether someone's actually having sex outside of the relationship or not, here are six signs that a partner's online activity is threatening to your relationship. (I use the "he" pronoun here, but of course, infidelity crosses gender and sexual orientation.)

He is often lost in thought within his texting conversations and never shares what they're about. 

Compulsive smartphone use can be a constant source of friction within romantic relationships, as one partner feels cut off from the person who is more engaged with a device than with the in-person conversation they're supposed to be having. When your partner is chuckling or otherwise responding emotionally to his device, yet not making any effort to let you in on what's going on in his mind at the moment, it creates a thick wall between you. No, you shouldn't expect anyone to be an open book about every single thing they're doing online.  Boundaries, and a certain amount of privacy, have an important place in any healthy relationship, but if his digital conversations are frequently taking him away from being present with you, and he makes no effort to bridge that gap, then his attentions, and priorities, may well lie elsewhere.

He gets texts at all hours, including late at night. 

Twenty years ago, if a friend or coworker called your partner at 11 p.m. while the two of you were winding down for bed, you'd probably have been taken aback. But smartphones have changed all that, and it's gradually grown more acceptable to text someone, and even to expect a response, long into traditionally intimate late-night hours. A wayward text from friends late at night is not necessarily a cause for concern, and some couples actually choose to wind down on their devices, side-by-side. But when his online conversations start regularly making their unwanted way into your bedroom late at night, whether by his initiation or the other person's, then you may already be playing second fiddle to another relationship.

You've awakened to see him on Facebook or on his phone, but he's quick to put it away when he sees you. 

With more and more people sleeping with their smartphones, which evidence shows does not exactly foster healthy sleep patterns, the likelihood of someone having private online communiqués grows as well. It's one thing for him to be idly surfing Facebook at 3 a.m... but if he's trying desperately to hide it from you when you happen to wake up, you have to wonder why.

He is very physically possessive of his phone or iPad. 

People who are behaving inappropriately and trying to hide it often have a heightened vigilance against getting caught, and you can see this in their automatic physical behavior. If he seems to be almost compulsive in protecting his phone, closing browser windows, or shielding you from even glimpsing any of his communication, chances are high that he's desperate to keep you from seeing it, probably for a reason. This might show in an increased startle response, or irritability if you idly pick up his phone for innocent reasons.

You see people commenting on his Facebook wall and sharing inside jokes, and you have no idea who they are. 

Many people can't even recognize all of their own Facebook friends, let alone their partner's. We all may have coworkers, friends of friends, and random people from our middle-school debate team on our friend list that our partner wouldn't be able to pick out of a lineup. But if someone is all over your partner's wall, and seems to show a level of intimacy and humor with him that you're not privy to, the fact that he has not talked about this person could be a sign that there's really something to hide.

He gets defensive about how much time he spends on his phone, or even tries to accuse you of bad behavior. 

If your partner is doing something he knows he shouldn't, he may go on the offensive first, or stockpile his defenses in a desperate bid to fend off your noticing it. Maybe he won't even entertain a single discussion about how much time he spends on his phone, or he will defend it, or he is quick to pick apart your online habits. Why would he be so wound up about it? It could be a sign he's protecting himself and his actions, that he already knows are inappropriate, and he doesn't want you to be suspicious.

Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ Messages & Manipulation

I just pulled 4 tarot cards for today ~ patience may not always pay off; it's all about control and manipulation; a message from the past -- do you really want to receive it; the hunt for that ever elusive feeling of contentment.  Read on... at The Tarot Parlour's Facebook Page

click  HERE

Friday, October 18, 2019

Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ Lots of Busy Energy!

I just pulled 4 cards @ The Tarot Parlour FB page ~ It's a busy day today... Relationships seem to prevail. Some of you may be going through a new phase; some of you are unwittingly confiding in an enemy masquerading as a friend; some of you have, or will, succumb to temptation. And on the work front, a group performance evaluation is going to prove problematic. Follow this link for more details. Look for this photo with these set of cards. You might also want to Like or Follow this tarot page to automatically receive updates.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Have You Heard About "The Mandela Effect"?

What is it? 

The “Mandela Effect” is what happens when someone has a clear memory of something that never happened in this reality. Large groups of us – total strangers – remember the exact same events with almost identical details. However, our memories are different from what’s in history books, newspaper archives, and so on.

This isn’t a conspiracy theory, and we’re not talking about “false memories".  Some of us speculate that parallel realities exist, and – until now – we’ve been sliding between them without realizing it.

The Mandela Effect is named after the famous Nelson Mandela (who some remember as dying in prison in 2013, but who others remember dying a free man years later).  The effect is when a large group of people remember something being a certain way, but when people go back and look at it, it has changed, or is gone in this universe with no reasoning other than "it's always been like that"

Two popular theories on the Mandela effect are:

Time Travel ~ Some believe that time travelers have come back to the past and changed one little thing that ended up changing many other things kinda like the butterfly effect.  Think about it.  The future has already happened, so even if time travel is say 1000 years in the future, it has already been done, which means time travelers are going back to the past, which is our present, and changing little things.

Parallel Universe ~ Others believe that sometime in the last decade or two the world went through a black hole, or that our "original world" ended, and now we are in this Parallel Universe. It's believed something changed in the process of switching, or going through the black hole. (It's been speculated that in the years 2000 or 2012 this happened, because many thought the world was gong to end)

Some of the most popular mandela effects ~

Berenstain Bears or Berenstein Bears – Which do you recall? (Still one of the most popular topics at this website.)
Billy Graham’s funeral on TV, prior to his death on 21 Feb 2018 (per NBC News).
Challenger shuttle explosion date? 1984, 1985, or 1986? Winter or another time of year? (Per Wikipedia, it was 28 Jan 1986.) Also, alternate memories about the Columbia.
Colors – Chartreuse and more – Many people recall chartreuse as a pink or reddish color. It’s actually yellow-green.
Curious George – Tail or no tail? (He’s never had a tail.)  This is part of my article about dual memories.
Ghost Hunters TV show – Some remember the earliest show name as TAPS, not Ghost Hunters. (Yes, we know the real-life team is called TAPS, and some of their gear has always said that.)
Henry VIII portrait with a turkey leg in his hand – Many people clearly recall seeing it in history books, but there’s no record of it, now.
Jif or Jiffy Peanut Butter – Jif peanut butter was never called “Jiffy,” in this timestream. (Not confused with Skippy brand, either.)
Lindbergh baby – Never found? In this timestream, the 20-month old baby was found 12 May 1932.
Mother Teresa – A saint before 2016? Several recall her canonization in the 1990s. They also recall her name spelled “Theresa.”
Nelson Mandela’s death in prison, long before his actual death (in this timestream) on 5 December 2013. (This was the alternate memory that launched MandelaEffect.com)
Red/blue – Pepsi logo changes, Chevron logo changes, and other color swaps… are they markers, cues, or signs to watch for?
September 22nd or 23rd? – Some people recall events shifting from one of these dates to another.  (The reaction to this article – on- and off-site – has been disproportionate to its apparent minor importance.)
Sky – Changes in the sun, moon, stars, planets and their moons, constellation configurations and placement, and the color of the sky in general. ...EDIT: Note, Yes!  Not only have I been aware of this, but family members as well!  
Tiananmen Square – Memories of a young man being run over by a tank. (Might be Mandela Effect issue or simple media manipulation.) ...EDIT: Note, I remember him being moved out of the way by two men in uniform.  What do you remember?

Daily Tarot Cards ~ Proceed With Caution!

*Note ~ I pulled The Fool twice today for our daily cards, once upright and once reversed. After reading everything when I got it all up and posted, I realized there could be quite a connection for someone out there where The Fool is concerned. If this card applies to you, and if both versions of it posted today apply to you, you might want to give it some thought. Be cautious in your connections, be careful who and how you connect with people on the internet, or at work, or when out in public places. Just saying.

Tuesday, October 15, 2019

8 Signs Your New Partner is Not Over Their Ex

The idea that your partner might not be over their ex isn't exactly one that most people would want to think about.

Though you might not want to admit that you see potential signs that your partner isn't over their ex, many of them aren't exactly subtle, Mark Stevens, author of "Evidence of Love," told INSIDER. And once you see these signs clearly, it might be difficult for you to continue to move forward pretending that you don't see them.

We rounded up some big signs that the one you love may still be hung up on their ex.

1. You can tell that their mind is somewhere else.

  • They may mentally be with their ex.

If your partner doesn't seem to be fully present with you when the two of you are spending time together, that's one potential sign that they might be thinking about someone else.

Though being preoccupied doesn't necessarily mean that they're not over their ex, it could. Stevens said that you can feel the distance between the two of you, even though you're physically together. He added that it's because they're "always with that ex" mentally, even though they're likely no longer always with their ex physically.

2. They're always ready to defend their partner when they come up in conversation.

  • If they go out of their way to do this for no reason, it may have a deeper meaning.

"If someone constantly feels the need to defend their ex, specifically at times when their ex isn't the center of conversation, it could mean that they aren't quite over them," Weena Cullins, LCMFT, a licensed clinical marriage and family therapist and relationship expert, told INSIDER.

3. They try to bring them up in conversation.

  • Their ex probably shouldn't be in conversations on a daily basis.

Not only does your partner want to defend their ex, but they also look for reasons to talk about them. "It's like he wants to talk about her, but he can't talk about her to you without a non-threatening reason," Stevens said. "So he tells anecdotes. And the anecdotes look like they're designed to tell you things about great restaurants or great vacations or whatever, but they're really just so he can talk about her because he wants to talk about her because we all want to talk about people that we love."

It might not always be obviously about that person — their ex — but that person is always a part of the story.

4. They won't commit to you.

  • They may still be hooked on the past.

If your partner seems to be dragging their feet when it comes to committing to you and your relationship, that too could be a sign that their past isn't fully in the past.

"This can be a major red flag due, in large part, to the nature of where it's coming from," Tara Vossenkemper, MA, LPC, ACS, a therapist and the founder and clinical director of The Counseling Hub, told INSIDER. "For example, if your partner has a problem with commitment, but it's unrelated to past baggage in relationships, then it's not about an ex. However, if your partner says that their lack of commitment is from being "burned" in the past, then you can guess it has to do with an ex. And, obviously, they're not over it. A person who has been able to heal from a breakup is able to reconnect with another partner. If somebody is unwilling or unable to do so, then it means that they don't want to heal, don't know how to, or that they think there's still a chance with the ex."

It's hard to sort out the exact reasoning for why your partner might be having a difficult time with commitment, and it might not actually have anything to do with their ex, but as Vossenkemper said, if they allude to the fact that they're hesitant because of how a past relationship played out, that could mean that the relationship is something they might still be trying to get over.

5. They try to establish traditions with you that they started with their ex.

  • Forcing old traditions onto new relationships could be a red flag.

When two people have been in a relationship for a while, they're bound to settle into routines and form new traditions. Traditions, routines, and celebrations help people connect with one another. But forcing old traditions on new relationships can be a sign that your partner isn't fully over their ex, even if you thought they were.

"If your partner keeps trying to get you to do very specific things and then saying things like, "That's what me and [ex] used to do," then you need to take pause," Vossenkemper said. "Building new memories with your partner is different than recreating memories you used to have with an ex. One is meaningful and organic. The other is sad and full of baggage."

6. They won't enforce (or create) boundaries with their ex.

  • They might be avoiding setting boundaries for a reason.

It's important to set boundaries with exes, but if your partner isn't quite over their ex, it might be difficult (or impossible) for them to do so.

"If someone refuses to create boundaries between them and their ex, especially at the request of a new love interest, it could definitely indicate that they aren't quite over their ex," Cullins said. "Despite breaking up, some partners who haven't moved on will not create new boundaries for fear that it will reduce any residual contact they still have with their ex."

7. Their pictures are still all over social media.

  • If there's still a ton of couple shots, you might want to be leary.

Your partner doesn't need to delete all evidence that they've ever dated anyone else, but if the photos that they choose to leave on social media are romantic shots, that could be a red flag. Cullins said that while group shots and things of that nature might be OK, lovey-dovey couple shots could mean that they haven't been able to move on.

8. They go out of their way to contact them.

  • They contact them all the time.

"If someone makes excuses to reach out or bump into their ex long after the relationship has ended it's likely that they are not over them," Cullins said. "They may be looking for closure or to reconnect, but in either case they are still drawn to their ex."

Feeling the need to be in touch with them no matter what means that something isn't fully settled there. It might not mean that they're still in love with the ex, but it still might mean that they haven't gotten over them.

If you notice that your partner seems to be exhibiting signs that they are not over their ex, the first thing you should do is check in with yourself about the relationship, Vossenkemper said. "Ask yourself whether you see something long-term with this person or if it's meaningless and fun," she added. "Ask yourself how much you want to invest in the relationship."

If you're hoping that the relationship will move forward, you need to talk to your partner about what's going on. "Don't be afraid to ask thoughtful questions about their behavior because it might help them come to terms with the reality that they haven't moved on," Cullins said. "If a person insists that they are over their ex but their actions continue to create discomfort, think critically about how emotionally safe the relationship is. If it will be difficult to live with the current boundaries (or lack thereof) it might be a good option to hold off on a serious commitment until you're certain your partner's heart is fully available."

Stevens said that he thinks people have to go through "the puddle of pain." It's not something you want to wade into, but you'll be better for it.


Your Daily Tarot Cards ~ Beginnings, Endings, Surviving Life

I just pulled 6 tarot cards for today.  Four of them flew out of the deck as I was shuffling.  They're telling quite a story.  Is this your story?

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Breaking Another Sales Barrier! ~ The Gray Witch's Grimoire

I'm very proud to let you know that The Gray Witch's Grimoire has broken another sales barrier! This slender volume of witchcraft and wise-woman energy just keeps giving and giving.  If you don't have a copy, you can purchase one at this link ~


5 Good Reasons for Transparency in a Relationship

Transparency in a romantic relationship is one of the most important, yet perhaps one of the least understood, factors in building a healthy relationship. The lack of importance placed on transparency in relationships likely arises from confusion over what exactly “transparency” means.

Some people interpret transparency to mean that neither partner has any private thoughts, private space, or life apart from their partner. Others interpret transparency as meaning that there is nothing about either individual's life that the other doesn’t have the knowledge and, in some cases, veto power over.

None of these are quite what relationship experts mean by the notion of transparency in romantic partnerships. Rather, healthy transparency in a relationship means that each partner feels fully comfortable to be honest and forthcoming with the other.  It means that issues are brought up directly, and that there is no obfuscation, lying, or hiding.

Transparency in relationships doesn’t mean giving up your private thoughts and personal spaces.  It means having those spaces and allowing your spouse to have access to them, without fearing that something nefarious is going on.

1. Transparency in relationships builds trust

Being transparent with your romantic partner helps to build trust. When you and your significant other know that you can be honest about anything and that you will always engage transparently, it makes it easier to trust one another.

In a transparent relationship, both partners know the other is acting in good faith.  They are less likely to be suspicious of each other both because there is a track record of honesty and because they know direct questions can be asked and answered.

2. Transparency in relationships fosters intimacy

Transparent relationships are ones in which each partner commits to open honest interaction. Such interactions mean that partners get to really know each other on deep levels.

Since no topic is off limits, and each partner knows the other is acting with honesty, it is possible to learn a great deal about your partner’s values, beliefs, experiences, and thoughts. Because transparency also means being heard without judgment, partners may feel more able to be vulnerable in sharing and broaching even difficult topics.

3. Transparency in relationships fosters a low-conflict relationship.

While no relationship is ever without conflict, transparent relationships tend to be low-conflict. This is because there is a deep level of trust between partners that issues will be discussed in a timely, open, and honest fashion, and that each partner is committed to acting with integrity in resolving the problem.

People in transparent relationships also tend to keep short accounts.  They discuss issues as they arise, rather than letting resentment build until all past grievances come rushing out at once.

4. Transparency in relationships makes each partner’s expectations clear

Most people who hide things in a relationship don’t do so because they want to hurt their partner. On the contrary, people hide or lie about things because they don’t want to hurt or disappoint their partner.  Oftentimes, however, these people are operating on a false understanding of what their partner actually expects from the relationship.

Transparency in a relationship allows for negotiation around expectations and discussions of how to navigate mismatched expectations.  When expectations are clear, people are much more likely to be able to meet them, or at least to be honest when they fall short, without hiding out of fear or repercussions.

5. Transparency in relationships foster a sense of security in the relationship

Transparency gives both partners a sense of security in the relationship. They know that there is nothing going on behind-the-scenes that would undermine the health of the relationship, which fosters a sense of well-being and safety.  Transparency can also help to foster a sense of personal security in each partner.

Because each individual knows they can be their full self without judgment, they will feel free to come to their partner for support, and can expect full honesty about any issue... the issues of insecurity that plague many relationships – that you are not enough for your partner; that you will be judged or not heard; that you will have to look outward for support, are reduced or even eliminated.

People who feel secure in their romantic relationship, and who feel that their relationship is secure, are much more likely to invest in continued growth.

There’s a lot to be said for making transparency in your relationship a priority.  Not only does it help to promote trust, reassurance, and peace, but it also enables you as a couple to explore new opportunities and experiences, because you now have elevated trust and intimacy which keeps on growing.

Transparency is a gift to a relationship and one that the wise will cherish.



Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Dealing With a Jealous Ex-Spouse

Jealousy is most often caused by low self-esteem, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. The fact that jealousy is caused by personal fears explains why divorced people so often feel jealous of their ex-spouse, even though the jealousy makes no logical sense. After all, most divorced couples have no emotional connections with each other, so why feel jealous? In spite of being an irrational feeling, feeling jealous of an ex-spouse happens all the time, especially when he or she begins dating, gets engaged, introduces his or her new love to the children, or gets married and starts a new family.

  • Causes of Jealousy

Feeling jealous is associated with high levels of oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone.” Men most often feel jealous when their ex-spouse begins having sex with another man, while women feel jealous when their ex-spouse becomes emotionally involved with another woman. Individuals who are insecure, anxious, or fear abandonment experience more jealousy than people who are personally secure.

  • Jealousy and Control

Jealousy is difficult to handle between divorced people because it makes little sense. After all, what is there to be jealous about? The divorced spouses are no longer married, and most of them have no emotional relationship that can be threatened, so why should the fact that an ex-spouse has started dating or become engaged make any difference? The reason an ex-spouse feels jealous is related to a need to control others to make themselves feel safe. Jealous divorced persons are trying to manage their own fears by exerting control over an ex-spouse. Jealousy isn’t about love, it’s about the jealous person’s own anxieties and insecurities.

  • Maintaining Boundaries

When an ex-spouse discovers you are dating or getting married, he or she is likely to bombard you with communications to push your buttons and make life difficult. This behavior is unreasonable because any rights he or she had over your life went away when you divorced. Your ex-spouse is no longer your partner, lover, or friend, and he or she has no right to interfere with your life. If your ex-spouse is being disruptive, avoid him or her. Establish clear boundaries after the divorce to keep your new life separate from your ex-spouse. Get a protective order if necessary and ignore his or her attempts at controlling you.

  • Interfering with Relationships

If your ex-spouse tries to interfere with your new relationship by saying “I don’t like him/her”, ignore the complaint and go on about your business. Jealousy is your ex spouse’s problem. Don’t pay any attention to what your ex-spouse says. He or she has no right to interfere with your life. Don’t engage or argue with your ex-spouse about your new relationship, because that will encourage him or her to continue trying to control you. As a single adult, you are the only one in a position to determine who you date or marry.

  • Dealing with Jealousy

The best strategy is to disengage, set clear boundaries, and get on with your new life. Let your ex-spouse deal with his or her feelings of jealousy on their own. What should you do if you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse? Avoid situations that are likely to arouse your feelings of jealousy, such as monitoring what your ex-spouse is doing, or talking about him or her with your children. Avoid interacting with him or her as much as possible so you can focus on developing a new life for yourself.

Feeling jealous of an ex-spouse is difficult to control because it’s caused by irrational anxieties and fear of loss. If you are divorced, even if it wasn’t your idea, that relationship is over, and you need to get on with your own life. Focusing on a lost relationship is neither healthy nor productive. If you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse, it’s probably because you are feeling insecure, dependent, or fear being abandoned again. Your best strategy is to see a counselor. Once you feel better about yourself, the jealousy will disappear.


Harry Munsinger practices collaborative and estate law in San Antonio. He has over twenty years experience resolving disputes involving divorce, probate, wills, and trusts. Harry was an adjunct law professor at the University of Texas and St. Mary’s University. He has published several textbooks and over forty psychological and legal articles. Harry has been a forensic psychology expert, a licensed psychologist and a litigator.