The deck I'm using today: Steampunk Tarot, which was a gift from my significant other. This is an in-depth (sort of) reading for me, and it might be a reading for you too, maybe. Here is where I give a trigger warning because I've had several cups of iced coffee as I stay huddled in my darkened house embracing the AC against triple digit summer temps. The experience has made me kind of mouthy, irreverent, and brazenly honest.
7/cups...
Well, this card is speaking the truth to me. Not only did I have a lot of difficult decisions to face in life, I still have this burden, but in a slightly different way. It seems that this phase of life, where I am now, where I'm living, how I'm living, there's so much that needs to be done, thought of, considered, acted upon. It is relentless. And I always thought that once we get older, this faction of life would at least let up if not disappear entirely. Nope, I was wrong. There's almost (almost) as much to keep track of and carry out today as there was when I was a young mother with a house full of home-schooled children.
King/pentacles (reversed)...
Oh, shit. This is generally the card of a stable individual, usually in my readings this is a man, and this man is usually depicted as stable (did I already say that) and dependable, offering emotional and physical soundness and reassurance. It's like the upright King of pentacles is usually your rock, so you can go about life in all its chaos and hyperbole knowing that your world is tight and secure. Well, shit. This card has come up reversed. But this card is an accurate mirror for my life now.
There is nothing stable about a highly supersensitive, nervous, paranoid, quick-tempered individual, prone to telling untruths (that sounds so much better than calling it lies), and constantly on the lookout for more targets to add to the proverbial real-life or internet harem. There just cannot be stability and reassurance with someone like this. But there is also two sides to the coin, so don't judge me yet, which women tend to do... "Why are you still with him?" It's always more compicated than outsiders can imagine, or more complicated than they are willing to accept.
Our age probably has something to do with why we're still together. His dubious choices and behaviors come and go, are up and down, and when things are going smoothly, life is pretty good. If it would just always stay on this level, that would be great. But another reason has to do with the fact that we are two old fucks literally falling apart physically. Getting old, always toted as a "privelege that many are denied", is also a giant pain in the ass.
The only thing worse than going through the human aging process would be to go through the human aging process alone. That would suck. The way it is, hey, if he can't bend over to pick something up one day, that might be my strong day; and if I'm too fuzzy brained to drive to a doctor's appointment or Walmart, that's his day. It works, a strange Old Fucks give and take. You wind up looking out for each other even if you never intended to, that's just how it works out.
Ponder on that.
Two/pentacles (reversed)...
Life is a balancing act. Too many of us go through life riding the fence, balanced precariously on shaky tip-toes, like a high wire walker with arms outstretched, foolishly thinking that we could catch ourselves if we fall. We couldn't. If we fall, we're dead, or at least out of the game. And what a god-awful bunch of our life is spent with our heads down, deep in concentration, determined to maintain our equilibrium. Think of all the opportunities and wonderous things we miss perched determinedly in this wretched stance.
Pick a side, my grandma would say.
Queen/swords...
The quiet people-pleasing Libra me, the one that hates confrontation and unpleasant scenes, is being told by this card that it's okay to be a bitch, and the sooner I learn that and get over this irritating Libra fawning nature, trying to be liked by everyone (including assholes that don't deserve to be liked), the better off I'll be. This has always been a disgusting feature wrapped around my little feather brain, whether I had to reach out the extra mile to a pissy stranger in a godamn checkout line, or some bitch trying to convince me she's my soul sister and my life-long friend and protector (not only did she not have my back, she was standing behind me holding the bloody knife after she stabbed me, successfully alienating me from mutual friends).
Ya, that might sound a little bitter, but it's better to spit that bitter shit out than swallow it. And that's what this Queen is telling me.
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