From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

It didn't work out because you tried too hard and put too much effort into manipulating the situation instead of just letting things happen naturally.  Sad, but true.

This is not your first rodeo with this outcome being the result.  You know this, you just don't want to admit it, or maybe you don't know any other way.  This is what makes it so frustrating for you.

Were your parents manipulative?  Did your mother manipulate your father?  Is this the dynamic you grew up with, and this is what you consider "normal", because this is what you've always seen?

Your defenses are just up like crazy.  It would be easier for someone to break into Fort Knox than get through to your emotional soft spots.  You've got those covered.  You do understand, don't you, that this is going to make it all but impossible to find what you're looking for, because you've already set yourself up to make it impossible.

But there's something else here as well, something buried so deep that even close friends would be shocked, people who mistakenly think they really know you.  They don't.  You have secrets.

Is this one of those deals where you've kept something hidden, or denied it so hard for so long, that you might not even remember it now?  Maybe, maybe not.  You'd have to see a professional therapist on this point, someone with all the right degrees on the wall to let you know how you're doing on the sanity scale.  

You'll have to find the key, and then find the courage to use it, to set things straight, to make things right, to have dominion over your worst fears, to have the freedom to take down those barriers.  This means you'll be taking chances, and this is what terrifies you.