A Clear Picture

I instinctively moved forward towards my husband to take his out-stretched hand, when old Uncle Bill surprised me by moving with lightening speed, jumping in front of me, and actually taking ahold of my arm. He turned to my husband, smiled and said, “She can stay here and talk to me.” The look on my husband’s face was one of stunned disbelief, like he was trying to process what just happened.

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From my blog Crystal Clear

Mothers-in-Law ~ What I've Learned From Mine #3

MIL #3 was a woman overwhelmed and dominated, first by a strict Catholic father, and later by a strict Catholic husband.  She was child-like and sometimes surprisingly childish, overly pious and modest, almost "nun-like".  Her father's influence was so strong that she did not marry her first love, a handsome kind Lutheran man, because she didn't want to disappoint her father or the Catholic Church, and she declared loyally she would never "change" her religion.  She talked about this man often, and when she did her tone was wistful and sad.  The Catholic man she chose to marry had an extreme temper, major anger issues, and was verbally abusive.  So much for misplaced loyalty.

MIL #3 never stopped talking, usually at 100mph, with her eyes opened oddly wide in rapt enthusiasm (or mania).  At first, dutiful daughter-in-law that I was, I gave my full undivided attention to her constant stream of chatter.  The result of this was that, at the end of an hour, I was totally exhausted, left with a pounding headache.

This woman was a psychic vampire.  I taught myself to tune her out and conserve my own energy.

What did I learn from this woman?

• Know when to stop talking.  You'd think this would be a natural instinctive thing to know, but it's not.  I've met several people who will drown you with their endless chatter; the result is one-way conversation. 

• Don't be afraid of your own shadow.  Actually, this is most often where you will find peace and solace.  

• Don't be afraid of new ideas; they don't bite.  You don't even have to accept them into your realm, just know they are nothing to fear.  

• Protect, with a vengeance, your personal freedom and choices.  

• Make Common Sense your best friend.

Mothers-in-Law ~ What I've Learned from Mine #2

MIL#2...The first impression I had of this woman was a surprised and delighted, "She doesn't hate me!", which had been my previous experience.  It was the early 1980s, and I was in my early 20s.

MIL #2 was a tiny woman, bird-like in her build and movement, which was surprising when faced with the knowledge that she was the biological mother of ten children.  Her life was consumed with babies and child-rearing, filled with the existence of the stereotypical Farm Wife of another generation, at it's most basic, day-to-day hard work and unending responsibility.  Her husband was 20-some years older than her, a strict disciplinarian, a typical steely mid-west farmer with extraordinarily conservative and outdated views about women, including the very Christian mindset of "obedience" and "submission".

It wasn't until I had known this woman for sometime that I realized her gentle voice and smiling demeanor cloaked strong opinions, true feelings, and sometimes harsh criticisms, all of which were rarely revealed.

What did I learn from this woman?

I learned a lot.  

• I saw for the first time what the intrinsic link and connections can be like in a large family.  

• I learned the ethics of hard work, the idea of sticking together as a group-- loyalty, and the idea of sacrificing to help out and support family members (especially in time of need).  

• I learned that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar; and that sometimes it works to everyone's advantage to keep negative thoughts to yourself and work around them.  

• I learned that it's okay to accept your lot in life, even if it's not ideal, and to run with it, to grow from it at the same time you're moving away from it.  

• I learned the importance of a true and deep connection with Spirituality and how it can shape your life and your relationships.

Mothers-in-Law ~ What I've Learned from Mine #1

MIL#1...First up, it was the 1970s.  This was a woman in her mid 40s, a short slightly portly little woman who was just entering menopause and a mid-life crisis.  She was a Farm Wife who had been transplanted to South Dakota as a teen-age bride from California.  She spent her entire adult life living on an isolated South Dakota farm at the edge of a tiny typically German/Czech community. 

When I first met, her hormones were raging, she was menopausal.  She was married to a man older than herself, a man who seemed cold and unemotional, blind and content in his own little world.  This woman was obviously making an effort to cling to the woman she had been, to cling to her youth, to her memories.  She was making an effort to justify her life and her decisions. When she spoke, you could hear regrets.  Her pain escaped in random comments that drifted from her lips unheard.

What did I learn from this woman?

• I learned that self-sacrifice is a good and upstanding thing only up to a certain point.  

• I learned that when you've over-played it, or when the time for its natural cessation has come, you have to let it go.  

• I learned that it's not okay to give so much of yourself to other people that you are no longer "yourself" anymore, you are an empty vessel.  

• I learned that it's okay for women to create their own space, to take time away from daily demands to ground and re-center.  

• It's okay to follow your own dreams and ambitions, and it's okay to have your own goals.  

• I learned that you shouldn't live your life in such a way as to have great big regrets towards the end of it, because then it may all be too late.