From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Think before you speak, and stop lying... er, embellishing

Someone has been searching for a long time for happiness through a successful relationship and a building of positive familial contacts.  This someone has probably been searching for a long time because something is holding them back, and the things that have been holding them back from success are:  

• the fact that they only look in one direction -- they have tunnel vision

• the fact that they lack empathy and self-awareness that's needed when attempting to connect with people and especially someone new

• the fact that they get all hopeful, super enthusiastic, and overly positive when they do meet someone new, and they don't realize that their hopefulness and enthusiasm is a fantasy that only they are embracing -- it's usually one-sided, and it often comes off as creepy.  They move too fast, going from 0 to 100 mph in seconds, from "Hello, nice to meet you", to dropping the "L" word only days after meeting.  They can, in fact, be inappropriate in a blind and foolish way.

But alas, do not despair.  Believe it or not, there may still be hope for this someone, and as the old adage goes... there is someone for everybody, it's just a matter of finding them.

But once you find them, how can you connect and make a positive connection that holds any promise for a future?

1.  Turn around.  Look in a new direction.  Your world is so solitary that you depend too much on your own fantasies.  You like to preordain how everything will go, what a new person in your life will look like, what kind of profession they will have, where they will be from, their social class, as well as they're financial situation.  Leave yourself open to infinite possibilities.

2.  Stop embellishing.  I'm falling just short of calling this lying, but the line is thin, and dishonesty leaves a recognizable stench.  Be honest.  Be yourself.  Don't spin wild fantasies about your family, your job, your work, your wealth, your potential.  You'll fall flat on your embarrassed face when these ramblings of grandeur are exposed in the glaring light of day.

3.  While being all hopeful and inspired and enthusiastic, also be realistic and honest -- with yourself first, and then with any potential new partner.  It keeps life simple, makes things easier, and you won't have to do any shameful back tracking.

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Too bad you drew that line in the sand

When you did that, you kind of gave an ultimatum, but this is risky, because they might all call your bluff.  There are no guarantees on the outcome with an ultimatum.

The woman is controlling beyond the norm -- is it someone you know, or is it you we're speaking of?  It's alright, only you know.  You're reading this in solitude, there's no one to watch you for reactions -- a raised eyebrow, a sly smile, a knowing nod, no one will see any of this, but you.

He's calm right now, on the surface at least.  Maybe he's still processing that line in the sand, wondering what it would take to breach it, and if he has what it would take.  People who throw tantrums, throw their weight around, they're usually cowards, you know.  He's worked very hard promoting the idea of a strong and blustery persona.

He's controlling too, but in a more whiny irritating way, not commanding and daunting and slightly threatening, like the woman.

You gave it all you had, wherever you stand in this scenario; you gave until you have no more to give.  You feel like an empty vessel at the moment, and it's at a time like this when all the internet gurus would tell you to ground and center and meditate to "find yourself".  You know exactly where you are, you don't need to "find yourself"... you're on the wrong side of that line in the sand.

To be honest, it might have already gone too far, there may be no turning back at this point, no going forward either. The ultimatum has brought everything to a halt, or to a climax. Like two cats that have squared off, growling under their breath, tales twitching, pupils wide, neither of them dare be the first to move. That's a pretty good description of the scene right now.

There isn't going to be anything to celebrate, at least not in the immediate future, and if you had anything planned, don't count on it now.  Happiness was right in the palm of your hand, so close you could smell it, until you drew that line in the sand.

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

You lied one too many times

You lied one too many times, and now you're trapped by the languid drooling untruths of your tongue.

There is someone who knows the truth.  They know the truth, and this knowledge gives them a weapon that will affect your work place, as well as wreak havoc on all the fun things you enjoy, though this we do see is where the problem began.

What do you do now?...

Stay frozen in place, until hopefully everything dies down, and the voice of truth won't have such an impact -- or so you think.

Or do you deny, deny, deny, and hope for the best?

The shameful thing, the worst thing about this scenario, is that one innocent naive individual who still thinks the world is rosy and bright and everything is well.

They didn't think thay had to pay attention to life's movement around them, they didn't have to question your actions or your explanations, because they trusted you to keep their world and yours on level ground, unshakable, and safe.

So, what do you do now?

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Stepping up to the plate

You didn't think this one simple innocent individual, or this one obvious (to you) choice, could throw such a wrench in your relationship, your marriage.  But there it is.  Truth is, you didn't even do anything wrong.  You were just being responsible, making decisions that need to be made, stepping up to the plate, as they say, taking care of business, taking care of someone who can't take care of themselves.  

But your partner didn't see it that way, did they?  And this surprised you, didn't it, stunned you actually.

Suddenly the quaint idea of "we're in life together", "what affects you, affects me", "we'll handle life's problems side by side"... it all kind of fizzled into empty cliques, didn't it?

You expected your partner to be as willing to step up to the plate as you are, but this didn't turn out to be the case, did it.

Now what?

You've been through all the arguments together and experienced the nasty words thrown around trying to work this out; you've been through all the wishful thinking you could manifest; and you've worried that your relationship may not be strong enough to survive this, or you might not be strong enough to stick to your decisions.

Stepping up to the plate isn't always easy for the responsiblie partner.  Being a partner to someone who suddenly finds themselves stepping up to a very unexpected and not particularly pleasant responsibility isn't easy either.  Neither one of you saw this coming, to be honest, and you both had very different reactions to it.

Now what?

Someone's got to draw the line somewhere -- both of you, actually -- and you'll find that your boundaries are going to be very different. You have to acknowledge that there are "deal breakers" for relationships and marriages, and you may have just run into one. You might be finding yourself having to choose between this new responsibility and your relationship, literally. You might find yourself caught in a stagnant stalemate, at least for a while. And you most definitely will find yourself at a crossroads, and ultimately, you are the one who will have to make that final decision.

You can do it.  Do you know how I know this?... You already stepped up to the plate.

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Affairs of the Heart

To the mistress...

She's watching in calculated silence, the two of you.  She's not done with him, no siree, though he might think she is.  The decisions that were made, the division of assets, the landing of the money, where it all went, who benefited, who was left out -- it's not over, it never is.

She's no longer working alone, by the way, she found a partner almost as hedonistic and calculating as she is.  But he prefers to stay in the background, working in the shadows, so to speak.  You should just know that if she wins, he wins, so he is pretty invested.

Maybe you should think twice about where this is going -- or where this all started, and was it really a good idea?  Maybe not, in hindsight, these sordid little tales rarely are.  It was rather shady, wouldn't you agree?... who made the first move, who told the first lie, who was the first to slip up, and wasn't it a war zone when the shit hit the fan.

No one can keep secrets forever.

To the wife...

The only way to lift the weight of this off your shoulders is to shine a light on those things that are best kept in the dark.  Not everyone will want to look, but it just takes one person with enough courage, the right person.  And, voila, the world will know and bells will toll.  You still won't be completely innocent, aka not at fault, but you might be able to successfully kid yourself... for a while.  It takes two you know, both for success and for failure.

It wasn't all bad.  It really wasn't.  And if you can throw just enough salt on the bitch to tarnish her new-mistress image, he might see her for what she actually is.  She's all smiles and aquiesence and unlimited sex right now, but we know this is a facade.  Remember, you two have a history together.  You've been through things, you experienced stuff.  You have memories, however warped some of them might be.  Hang on to that, because right now, that's about all you've got.  Some might say this is wishful thinking, and others might look at it as unabashed optimism.

Just remember, however this turns out, whatever your idea of "winning" might be...

He's done this once, and he will do it again.

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Weathering the Storm

You played hard to get, you made him work for it, that's for sure, and he was more patient about it than most people would be.  He gave you way too much leeway if you ask me, and you did.  

But just as everything seems to fall into place, just as the festivities are planned and ready to proceed, there will be a wrench thrown into the middle of everything, a wrench made up of harmful, notorious words -- this means a shocking revelation; this could mean insults; this could mean that he does have a limit and you have pushed him to it.  

There is also the possibility that a third party is going to step forward, a third party that is looking out for him, and they're going to say to him, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"   And, gawds forbid, they're going to encourage him to stand up for himself; they'll encourage him to stop giving in to your every whim; they'll enourage him to rock the boat and not lose himself in a manipulative relationship.

A storm will follow, yes indeed, it certainly will, because this will all be a new experience for you, someone actually telling you "no".  Tantrums will no longer work, though they obviously did when you were a child, but those days are over.  You are going to have to weather the storm, lick your wounds, and hopefully come away wiser, with some of Life's Lessons to help you in the future.

It's what you're going to lose now, within this present scenario, which is the sad part. But you're so sure of yourself, so egotistical, so self-centered, you don't realize it yet...

Quite frankly, don't get so cocky so fast, you might have won the battle, as they say, but you have lost the war.  You don't think he'll ever leave, you don't think he has the courage to walk away, you think you can rule with an iron fist and he will never leave you.  This has always been your armor, your weapon, your certainty.

You would be wrong.

Spilling the Tea

From The Witch's Desk ~ Spilling the Tea

 

Finding the Key

It didn't work out because you tried too hard and put too much effort into manipulating the situation instead of just letting things happen naturally.  Sad, but true.

This is not your first rodeo with this outcome being the result.  You know this, you just don't want to admit it, or maybe you don't know any other way.  This is what makes it so frustrating for you.

Were your parents manipulative?  Did your mother manipulate your father?  Is this the dynamic you grew up with, and this is what you consider "normal", because this is what you've always seen?

Your defenses are just up like crazy.  It would be easier for someone to break into Fort Knox than get through to your emotional soft spots.  You've got those covered.  You do understand, don't you, that this is going to make it all but impossible to find what you're looking for, because you've already set yourself up to make it impossible.

But there's something else here as well, something buried so deep that even close friends would be shocked, people who mistakenly think they really know you.  They don't.  You have secrets.

Is this one of those deals where you've kept something hidden, or denied it so hard for so long, that you might not even remember it now?  Maybe, maybe not.  You'd have to see a professional therapist on this point, someone with all the right degrees on the wall to let you know how you're doing on the sanity scale.  

You'll have to find the key, and then find the courage to use it, to set things straight, to make things right, to have dominion over your worst fears, to have the freedom to take down those barriers.  This means you'll be taking chances, and this is what terrifies you.

Spilling the Tea