Tuesday, April 21, 2015

It Cannot Be, That I Am He...

It cannot be, that I am he,
on whom thy tempest fell all night.
~ George Herbert (The Flower, 1633)

This blog post is about women and friendship, and the disappointment of it all. 
This blog post is dedicated to LC.

I had a friend.  I thought she was a spiritual sister and we would be friends through the rest of this life's journey, till we were old and gray, and bent, and wrinkled.

I had a friend.  I thought she knew me, through the depths of my soul, all that I am, all that I aspire to be, all that I wish I were.
I had a friend.  She was a confidant for this life's stories, a co-conspirator for projects and whims and dreams.  She was my rock. She was my joy. 
And then a change began.
It was very subtle at first, a different nuance in her voice, the way she spoke to me, the way she looked at me, little things she said that I should've taken note of but didn't.  It grew slowly over time with less contact, fewer and fewer invitations, a slow distancing.  I puzzled over it, but I brushed it off as my imagination and continued to plod along in life, which in the summer of 2012 included filing for divorce and all the tension and stress that goes with this transition.
Pretty soon, The Change could not be ignored, so negative was the energy.  And also the fact that my soon-to-be ex-husband began a closer friendship with LC and her fiancé, JC.  I guess I thought this was just that strange phenomena that goes with divorce, when people choose sides, even when people don't want to and think they can remain friends with both.  The oddest thing about this was that LC had never really taken a shining to this man (my ex-husband); so I couldn't understand why she was embracing him in friendship now.  It was puzzling.
When The Freeze began, it encompassed not only my Ex-Friend, but people who knew both of us.  I found that individuals who would normally stop and speak and talk to me when we ran into each other in the store suddenly started avoiding me, blocking me on social sites.  They would be uncomfortable when I was the first to say "Hi" whenever we would bump into each other, and I'd stop, expecting to chat, to have normal conversation. They were shifting from one foot to the other, looking past me, looking at the ground, wanting desperately to escape.
I didn't understand.
And I did not know why my friend stopped being my friend.  There were no disagreements between us, no harsh words, no harsh actions.  Nothing.
It has haunted me...until now.  Someone finally had the courage to come forward and tell me.
The rest of this post is an open letter to LC:
I had listened to people tell me for the past two years, "She's jealous of you.", "She's jealous of you.", "She's jealous of you."
Jealous?  Jealous how?
Jealous of what I do?  Jealous of what I am?
I didn't understand, and I brushed it off.  I really had no idea what was going on in your mind, why and how you could so suddenly turn from my dearest friend to someone so filled with hatred.  If you had any idea of all the moments I spent mulling over in my mind what I could have possibly done to damage our friendship, what I could have possibly done to make you feel this way...I had no idea, but that didn't mean I stopped thinking about it.
And then I was told, finally, just a few weeks ago, during a chance encounter.  And I was left absolutely aghast, absolutely floored.  I would never have thought of this scenario in a million years.  And the sad, sad thing about it is that it's not true.
And I am left to wonder:
Did you just perpetuate this rumor to ruin my reputation and alienate people from me? 
Or did you really believe it?
No, LC, I have never viewed your fiancé as anything more than your partner.  I have never harbored romantic feelings for this man.  I have never approached this man in any way that could be misconstrued.  I have never been around this man when you weren't there.  He was actually inconsequential to my life, part of it only because he was part of your life.
JC called me on the evening of September 24th, 2012, to wish me Happy Birthday.  I had been waiting for your call all day.  I was surprised to hear his voice, because I was expecting yours.  But I thought he would wish me a perfunctory Happy Birthday and pass the phone to you.  We chatted for two or three minutes, then I said, "Can I talk to L?"  He paused, "Well, umm...well, ummm...She's asleep."
I thought this was odd, but it was just JC, so I didn't think anymore of it, and we hung up.  I thought, and my girls thought, that he might have made this birthday call because he felt bad that you didn't.
And that is all there is to it.
An epilogue:
Two scenarios apply here, and only you know which one is correct...
If you deliberately started insidious and untrue rumors about me, shame upon you.  May the cancer of your lies crawl from your chest, up your throat, to your tongue, and may you lie no more.
If you actually believe that I was "after your man", then I have to wonder why.  Why would you think such a thing?  And why couldn't you simply ask JC about the matter, which would have easily cleared things up-- unless he had his own ulterior motives for making that telephone call. 
This revelation has brought disappointment, shock, and dismay...but it also brings Closure.


  1. I am so sorry you had to go through that. My best friend ended up marrying my exhusband. But what I realized was that I was better off without them... And let trash have trash lol.
    I think your amazing and I hope u find that bestfriend that you deserve. Lots of love and light your way Danielle 😍

  2. Thank you, Danielle! True friends are rare gems, so I've heard. I see that you also experienced your own relationship trauma of sorts-- it's a strange, strange world, isn't it. I'm so glad that you have such a positive attitude about it! Blessings, Amythyst

  3. {{gentle hugs}} My heart hurt for you as I read your words describing the loss of a friendship and betrayal. Your blog topic hit home hard for me because your story is my story too. You found closure and that marks the beginning of healing.

    I have been down this road not once, not twice, but three times. The last one hurt really bad and involved my being, "outed." I believe there is that one special friend out there waiting for us, you know the one we can make a blanket fort on the back porch and drink tea with or wine. The one that will ask how deep do ya need that hole dug and the one that will pull us up when we are down. :)

  4. I love your beautiful encouraging words! I actually believe that too-- that genuine friendship (and genuine people) are real, and they *Are* out there, and our paths *Will* cross. You are *Inspiring* Morgana!...makes me want to go make a blanket fort on the back deck right now :) I think the important thing here is not to give up on the idea of friendship and it's existence. It would be awful to miss out on something wonderful in life because of a bad experience(s).

  5. I must admit I also feel your pain as all of us who have been through the unfortunate realization that whom we thought was our "closest friend, our sister" we may never have had turns out to be the one person we never thought would betray us. It is extremely hurtful, causing us to question ourselves about all we may have said, done or even not said or done. There are many ppl who can go on w/o any explanation. I myself am not one. For over a year my "closest friend" ignored me. At first I didn't even see it(she was raising 2 kids on her own, working) it was very subtle. I was busy attempting to heal from my past. One evening it came to me. I suddenly realized she hadn't initiated any conversations with me, never returned my texts or msg. I left. I stopped all communication with her, never asked what happened. When I finally heard from her it had been a year and a half gone by. She came to my Mom's house( where I'm living) one afternoon, just showed up. Anger ran through me when I opened the door and saw her. I wasn't even going to invite her in, but I did. She followed me to the deck and started talking as if nothing had changed. It was then I told her, I have not considered us as friends for over a year and told her why. Her comment was " well I never meant" that's all , nothing more and continued to tell me about her life. How do ppl become so selfish, so self-absorbed? She left and I didn't hear from her again until the following Spring. She sent me a msg thru FB. She said she realized how horrible of a friend she had been, that I had not done anything to deserve the way she had treated me and asked if I would consider being her friend again, apologized for all the pain she had given me and would I be able to forgive her and give her another chance of our friendship? Long story short I did. It's not easy to let go of past hurts, but we must so that we ourselves can heal. Too often closure does not come easily. Sometimes we must force closure w/o answers. Other times our own pain is so deep we can never have complete closure, this becomes our own battle. Betrayal in any form is very painful. I have a pic with a saying of a somewhat thin grey wolf. " It gets lonely being the lone wolf." I'm glad I have given my friend a second chance.

  6. Oh, Anne...I can still hear the pain and heartache that this situation caused you, even though it turned out positively in the end. Sometimes I think I actually envy the Lone Wolf-- life would be much simpler, with less complications and emotional highs and lows. But you know what...just like the Wolf, we're a pack animal.


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