Seven Ways to Introduce Your Boyfriend After 50

Source:

betterafter50.com

Introducing my 58 year-old lover as my ‘boyfriend’ seems ridiculous.  There must be a better word.  I’m over 60, and madly in love.  So I’m sure you can understand why I don’t want to call my man, “my boyfriend.” At 58, he’s hardly a boy, and we are much more than friends.

“Hi Peter, this is my friend, Steve.” I muster when we ran into a friend at the local espresso bar last Sunday.

“It’s so strange to call you my friend.” I said to Steve afterward.  What do I say:  “This is my man, Steve?” “Hey Peter, meet my soulmate?” “Meet my life partner?” They all feel so awkward and wrong!

Why isn’t there a better label for our partners when we’re in love, but not married?

Some friends I know who have been together for 10, 20, or even 30 years and are not married introduce the other as “husband” or “wife.”  It’s one of those conundrums that people over 50 face when they are partnered, but not married. “How do I introduce you?”

“Lover” sort of leaves the wrong impression that this is just a salacious affair.

“I don’t want to marry you”, Steve says to me out of the blue one day.

“Of course not!” I reply (although my heart twinged just a little bit in that moment). 

He should WANT to marry me, I'm thinking. But for a variety of reasons, it just doesn’t make sense given our circumstances. So “husband” is definitely out of the running.

In my heart, he’s “the love of my life”.  But that’s a rather long intro:   “Meet the love of my life, Steve".  This seems like it should be met with some pomp and circumstance. After all, I’ve been married twice before and have had several long-term relationships, and I now know I’ve finally found The One.

Other people say “significant other” or your “plus 1” when inviting you to a party.

But here he is, standing right beside me, and I’m looking an acquaintance straight in the eye and saying, “Meet Steve, my …. ???”

Alas, I reached out to my Facebook friends and asked them, “How do you refer to your life partner when you are over 50 and the terms “boyfriend and girlfriend” are just out of the question?

Here are their replies ~ 

Say it like the Europeans do. “I did this for 10 years and hated every option. Especially didn’t like that he always introduced me as my partner", said a close friend. “I like mi amor.”

Another friend added, “In German it’s easier.  We refer to that person as "Lebensabschittsgefärhrte", which loosely translates to "companion for a phase in one’s life".  Here’s to the Germans for making things crystal clear! It’s the equivalent of “I like you pretty good, let’s see how it goes”.

“Partner” is the most generically accepted term, and seems fine for most, but feels pretty detached and nonspecific.  With the marriage equality act firmly in place, using the term "partner" doesn’t automatically signal that you are gay, and when you are not sure, it is the politically correct way to ask, “Do you have a partner?”

Others are content with “significant other” and those people tend to fall into the over 60 closer to 70 crowd.  Some say “male friend” or “man friend”.   “Really?”, my man said. “Why does that feel so 19th century?”

“I call him my "fiancé", even though we have no plans to get married” one friend added. Although that's awkward for some women who then have the inevitable follow up question: "When’s the wedding?”

An equal number refer to each other as "husband and wife", even if they aren’t officially married... “Even though we are not technically married, it’s the spirit that counts. Everything is as if we are married except the paperwork.”

Say it like it is ~

What seemed to ring most true to me are those who just lay it on the line...  “the love of my life” or “my reason for living” or “my true love.”  The more avante-guard stepped forth and said, “There’s no label needed.” It’s up to the receiver to draw his or her own conclusions. 

My own man said, “As I introduce you, I touch the small of your back.  It shows intimacy without overdoing it.” (swoon… In case you are wondering, yes, I do know how lucky I am!)

Let’s face it, we are over 50, and there is no need to hide our feelings or stand behind labels.  Next time you introduce your life partner, your one true love, the one that sets your soul on fire, what will you say?

Seven Secrets to a Healthy Relationship Over 50

Whether you've been with the same person for 30 years or you're finding new love half a century into your life, it's always the right time to brush up on your relationship skills or learn new ones. Maybe things have gotten stagnant with your spouse, or maybe you've found that dating has changed since you last tried it.

It's never too late to learn these seven secrets to a successful relationship after fifty.

• 1. Open your heart fearlessly

To be successful in a relationship, you can't be afraid to be yourself and share yourself. Real love requires honesty. Honesty about who you are, what you believe, how you feel, and what you want. Total commitment to reality and honesty supports the integrity of a relationship. You must be open and willing to share, listen, and understand. A happy relationship and a full life require the intention to learn about your partner and yourself and to continue to grow.

• 2. Create emotional safety

Healthy relationships depend on both parties feeling safe with each other, trusting that you are there for each other. Your circle of trust gets more important as you get older and as you must cope with the changes and anxieties that aging involves. For emotional safety to exist, you need to feel that your partner truly hears you, sees you, and accepts you as you are and that he or she wants the best for you. And you must be this way for your partner, too.

• 3. Address conflict in a spirit of love

A successful relationship requires successful conflict. Approach every disagreement with your partner with the intention to listen fully and respond in a spirit of love. Instead of responding in a knee-jerk way when your partner says or does something that upsets you, examine your feelings and mindfully consider what the other person said. It may surprise you how big a gulf there can be between what you think you heard—what you feel you heard—and what your partner actually said. Listen as much or maybe more than you talk, focus on common threads rather than differences and look for a solution that pleases both of you.

• 4. Practice positive communication

The way you communicate with your partner is vital because what you say—and how you say it—affects how your significant other feels, and emotions drive behavior. Some key principles of positive communication:

Avoid negative language. When you use words like no and don’t, you invoke your partner's natural resistance to being controlled. Instead, tell your partner what you want rather than what you don’t want.

Avoid criticism. Remember: Success builds success. Instead of focusing on the things you dislike about your partner, focus first on what he or she does well and connect that to the behavior you'd like to see him or her change.

Give your undivided attention. One of the biggest mistakes I see couples make is that even when they both have the best intentions and follow all the advice they've read online about communication ("I" statements, etc.), they'll answer their cell phone or glance at a text message while talking to their partner. This seemingly small behavior has a big impact on how you make your partner feel. As a marriage and family therapist, the advice I give to all my patients is this: Give someone the focus they deserve.

Tell them what they mean to you. Sometimes you may start to think that your partner can read your heart and you don’t need words. Totally not true. Words are still necessary. Consciously choose to actively show appreciation—finding things to appreciate in your partner to enhance the good feelings between you.

• 5. Support your partner's independence.

No matter how close you are to your significant other, you remain individuals with your own needs and interests. Spending time alone doing your own thing, shows mutual respects, not relationship strain. Advocate for your partner's goals, and accept and support each other’s life goals.

• 6. Enjoy special time together.

Don’t forget to have fun together! It's important to go on new adventures and try new things. Don't have a typical "date night." Instead of dinner and a movie, take a class together or go on a day trip somewhere. As you grow older and face mortality, your relationship with your significant other provides an opportunity to explore your humanity and seek a better and deeper understanding of life.

• 7. Build a relationship with yourself

The relationship we have with ourselves is the key to success for all the relationships we build with others. When you are happy and fulfilled independent of others, you are most attractive to the kind of healthy, happy people you want in your life.

If you're dating for the first time in a long time, don't be afraid to wear your heart on your sleeve. It’s the only way people will know what you want and what you're about. If you're celebrating your golden wedding anniversary, remember that even though it may feel you and your partner are one person, you still need to say, "I love you" and show your appreciation. Show affection. Have fun. Have sex! Love with the intensity of a teenager and the wisdom that your years on this earth have given you.

[Source:  Andrea Brandt, PHD ~ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mindful-anger/201704/7-secrets-successful-relationship-after-50 ]

Why Falling in Love Over 50 Kicks Ass

Falling in love over 50 is really really surprising to men and women. How I know this is, I’ve gotten countless emails from readers who are getting divorced and they write that a huge fear for them is that they will never find love again. Then, the same people email me 6 months or a year or 2 years later and tell me they have fallen madly in love. I swear, I could write a book. It’s that predictable! (in a wonderful way!!)

While 50 sounds really old to someone who is in their twenties and even thirties (at least it did to me when I was young), someone who falls in love over 50 feels as young as they did when they fell in love at 16 or 22 or 30. Falling in love at any age feels giddy and heart stopping and scary and all consuming. Let’s be honest. It feels fucking great...

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