Confessions of a Pagan Mom~ Confession #7

I am exhausted.

That's it, this is confession #7.

It doesn't sound like much of a confession, does it, but it is (sort of, kind 'a) considering that, for some reason, people expect me to be cheerful, exuberant, enlightening, inspirational, and energetic (or "chipperfuck", as my husband Joe calls it) all the time.

I hate to disappoint, but I'm tired.  I have to admit that when I put some of my most recent videos together, I'm numb with exhaustion, and a couple times I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open.  But, for some reason, there are people like me (thank insanity, or stupidity) who just feel they need to keep going, and going, and going, and...

Why am I so tired?

1)  This gawd-forsaken never-ending Winter (said with great disdain and a scowly face).  If I were confronted by Frosty the Snowman today, I'd shoot the bastard.

2)  Financial stress...too many bills, not enough money coming in.  Budgeting on a shoestring is not all it's cracked up to be.  And this is so funny-- some days this topic seems overwhelming; and other days it's given barely a nod of recognition.  I think that it all depends on perspective.  It comes from trying to look at the Big Picture, when the Big Picture is too overwhelming and can't possibly fit into the everyday frame of life.  Sometimes, I tell myself (and other people tell me), take a deep breath and just think about/take care of One-Thing-At-A-Time.

3)  Job related stress, or the lack there-of...I've been doing so many really cool things-- damn cool neat shit (some I can talk about, and some you will probably never have a clue).  Life has been very exciting, life has tossed out some unexpected and new experiences for me to taste, just like chocolate chip cookies; but the ironic thing about all this damn cool neat shit is that it is not bringing in one penny of income (at least not right now, nor in the foreseeable future).

Ideas for Jobs...

I am apparently not qualified for any sort of employment, or Regular-Jobs, in this community. (Yes, I've tried dozens of places, dozens of applications, only a couple actual interviews.)  So I figure I have to look at what I CAN do, what ideas I have for jobs related to me and Things-I-Can-Do:

1)  My Own Business...we are pondering, in an on again/off again way, about starting up some sort of shop-- a magickal shop?  a coffee shop?  a tattoo shop?  a tea n' tarot shop?  a book shop?  any or all of the afore-mentioned?  To tell you the truth, I've wanted to do this for years, but to tell you the truth, at my age (I'll be 58 this year) the prospect of taking out a Huge Loan and trying to physically organize and run a new business, with no experience at doing this I should mention, is rather daunting.  And, if we were to open up a business, where would it be?  I can't hardly see me opening a Tea n' Tarot Shop in Fremont NE.  Most people I've talked to about this point their finger westward-- "You need to be in California." they say.  Tell me about it.

2)  Books!...yay, I have a new book coming out.  This is exciting, and I'm proud, and anxious, and feel deliciously accomplished and successful.  BUT, this book isn't even being released until April, and after that it will be months and months before I actually see a penny coming in from it (sometimes not until the end of the year).  In the meantime, I am a bag of nerves, and I spend many hours (too many hours) trying to push and promote, to hawk and sell this book online, through radio appearances, through word-of-mouth, through blogging (ahem), posting at various sites, etc. ad-infinitum.  I actually contacted Ms. Magazine the other day (an email to Michele Kort, the editor) to inquire if they would be interested in doing a review (all reviews are done in-house).  After really going over this magazine (I'm thinking, I'm a feminist, the book is on spiritual feminism, what's not to love) I realize that I probably don't fit into the glossy modern business savvy political female persona of that genre-- which is so ironic, even among the Feminist, I am a unique individual who doesn't fit any of the molds. 

3) Radio!...okay, Woman Speak was first conceived as a radio program, then as a google hangout, and then back to a radio program, and it finally evolved into a "Video Series", which is a Youtube video that is monetized.  But lets face it, unless a video goes viral, you're only going to be making pennies on it-- literally!  And do you want to know the truth-- my aspirations for the Woman Speak project actually went way beyond radio, I was thinking that this could be a really Cool talk show.  And I don't mean the usual woman drivel Let's-Look-At-Wedding-Dresses and What-Are-You-Feeding-Your-Babies-These-Days; but a television show that would touch on touchy Feminist subjects, a show that wouldn't be afraid to dip it's tippy-toes into the Pagan World as well as the mundane world of the Unusual Woman, women who live and think "outside the box".   (If there's a producer out there who's interested, call me.)

Are you tired?  Tired of Winter?  Just plain tired?

What's making you tired? 

And what can you do to fix the situation?

Okay, I Take That Back

About "Premier Staffing" in Fremont, Nebraska, that is.

You might want to read what would be considered Part One of this story, including the comment that I left: And Then Again...Strike 3

I wanted to be diplomatic and kind to this agency because I thought I would be working with them to find a job in the future, and I didn't want to "burn my bridges" so to speak.  I changed my mind.  I take that back.

I've been calling this agency once a week, with no results, unless I would have been qualified to be 1) a bartender at Appleby's, or 2)  a licensed physical therapist...neither of which I'm qualified to do, just to keep things clear and in perspective.

This last week is the last time I will call the morons masquerading as an employment agency. 

I asked my usual question:  "Do you have anything in that would work for me?"

Mind you now, this is a woman that I've talked with once a week for weeks.  This is a woman I've sat across the desk from and talked to for a half hour interview.  Keep in mind that this woman knows me!

Her response, in this idiotic overly-cheerful voice:  "Oh, we got lots of things in this week!" (my heart leaps hopefully)  "Let's see, we're looking for sand blasters, and welders, and the farmers are going to be starting their harvest and they're going to be needing some help in the cornfields."

My brain froze at this point.  I still hear her voice, but it sounds as though I'm hearing it from a long distance.  She's chattering on, something about sorting corn!

Morons.  The lot of them. 

No, it's not me driving either one of these farm vehicles; and good thing too. 
The rows would definitely not be this straight!

 

And Then Again...Strike 3

I've been calling Premier Staffing once a week religiously since I put in the application for the position-- the one where I'd get to write brochures and pamphlets for a company here in Fremont and take care of their internet social sites-- I even stopped there in person one week.  I learned yesterday that this position was filled. 

Boo!...sez I.

I told the lady, quietly and rather anti-climactically, "I can promise you that I'm better qualified for this position than whomever the individual was who got the job."  -- and I am, you know.  I write and I do internet social sites, both on a personal level, as well as professionally for promotion. 

I think this sucks.

Was it...

1) My age (56, going to be 57 the 24th of this month)?

2) No job history except for self-employment and publishing companies?

3) The pagan content on my own internet sites I gave them as an example of my work?

My rebuttal

1) I know that 56 going-on 57 might sound old, especially if you're really, really young.  But it's not.  When you turn 50 you will be surprised that you will still hike, bike, run, have sex, ride horses, play sports, fish n' hunt, and generally participate in life same as you did when you were 30-- really.  Yes, really, I mean it.  The only difference is, you will be a lot smarter.

2) No job history except self-employment & my publishers...If I were not a good employee, I would have fired myself.  Really.  I would have been ruthless.  I'd have come to my desk for work one morning, cup of coffee in hand, and I would've called myself right into the main office, sat myself down, and said, "I'm sorry Amythyst, this just isn't working out-- you suck.  You're Fired."

3) Pagan website content (meaning Witchcraft and all that occult forbidden-- but intriguing-- type stuff).  Hey, this is Fremont.  If you don't like football (and especially Nebraska Husker football) you are already considered odd.  I hate football.  My Freak Flag is waving bravely in the wind-- in big slow-motion ripples, with really cool special effects lighting and everything.