Cheating and Sexual Addiction ~ 6 Types of Cheaters

 
Here's another post I'll add to the Relationship Links.  This one is a doozy, and one of the first articles I've found that actually acknowledges habitual cheating as a sexual addiction.  Though I believe it could also be an emotional addiction as well, coming from someone who is extremely insecure and in constant need of validation that they are attractive and desirable.  One thing this article doesn't go into is the link between cheating -- sexual addiction -- and pornography, but I'm pretty sure I'll eventually find an article that links these topics as well.

Read on.  Do you recognize anyone in your life as one, or a combination, of these types?  Do you recognize yourself? Have you experienced this type of addict?  Did you confront them?  What was their reaction?  Denial?  Or did they adamantly claim to you that "this will never happen again"?  If it's the latter, there's a probability that they've been saying this repeatedly to every partner they've ever had, because remember... we're talking addiction here.

This article has been excerpted from the book:
Addicted to Adultery: The Other Reason Spouses Cheat 

Here is an explanation of the different “types” of cheaters and the six types of sexual addicts identified by Dr. Weiss.

• 1. The Hunter Cheater

It is the cheating heart, who is very intentional about his behavior, that I term “The Hunter.” This addict is mostly looking for participants in his game. This could take place at weddings, their child’s birthday party or even on their honeymoon where they are cruising for victims. They are looking for the weak, needy or another sex addict for a quick hit. They tend to have pickup lines or a clear modus operandi to capture their prey. The hunter rarely is looking for an equal, because an equal could hurt them. This could be a doctor or lawyer whose prey is the secretary, waitress or woman at a bar. I often have to highlight for hunters they are really picking up wounded sparrows, not hunting for eagles. They tend to be the smart, successful, smooth-talking guy who exudes a certain sexual or narcissistic energy. It’s all about them and their needs. The stench of entitlement is also present in the hunter’s heart.

• 2. The Hero/Nice Guy

Ken is the nice guy at work. He does his job and seems to make time for chitchat. He gravitates to the females at work. He asks about their work load, their husbands or if they need help with a project, even a home project, especially if the woman is divorced. He is always quick with a compliment on how a woman is dressed and knows when to tell a slightly off-colored joke or two. As a woman, you will always feel special around Ken.

This is the person who “wants to help.” This type of cheater can see a victim’s need a mile away, and they want to rescue the maiden in distress, so to speak. This person wants to be a friend to their victim, talk about the victim’s life, marriage, kids or job. This nice guy wants you, the victim, to know they really care.

The hero/nice guy’s adulterous heart is quick to praise, quick to appreciate and quick to pick up on cues as to whether you are starting to trust them. They get excited when the victim trusts them, because they are close to the kill. Even after sex, they want to be seen by the victim and themselves as a nice person. This addict will victimize a woman, engage in several sexual encounters and will exit the relationship, because he loves his kids or thinks the victim should give her husband another chance. Even after victimizing the other person, they want to be thought of by everyone as the nice person they need to believe they are. It takes a little while to see themselves as perpetrators, because they really want to hang on to the image of a hero or nice person. Honestly, heroes and nice people don’t cheat. It’s that simple.

This is the person who is most likely to tell the victim they care for them, love them and tell them they’re special or that they have a future together. They don’t really mean it, but it does make them feel better as to why they are cheating.

• 3. The Hurt/Wounded

Max is depressed, a little overweight, enjoys video games and goes to the sports bar. He seems like a loner. He’s attractive but acts shy. If approached, he lights up and is quick to tell you about his parents dying, the last job he lost or his feelings about the last team that lost. He looks like a lost, little puppy that with just a little love from the right kind of woman could make a man out of him.

The hurt or wounded type of cheater is exactly the opposite of the others we have discussed so far. This man plays the victim role. Their spouse doesn’t love them, appreciate them or have sex with them. This is the person who is looking for someone, anyone to help them in life. They are the person you feel sorry for. That is their way of reeling in their victims. The addict wants the victim to feel like she is helping him, and she is significant, respected and valued by him.

This person tends to underachieve in life and, in relationships, just can’t seem to get it right until their victim comes into their life. They are constantly looking to be saved, helped or delivered from their circumstances or current bad marriage. They attack victims by their neediness.

Oftentimes, this type of cheater doesn’t want to grow up. He wants others to do the hard work of life and be responsible. If they grew up, they wouldn’t know how to attract victims since this has been their method of acting out for so long.

I remember a female sex addict and I discussed her hurt, wounded, cheating heart. She said something like, “I go out to the bar, act like I need help, tell them how my overweight husband won’t have sex with me, and it works every time.” She was able to see that she was the predator, and her lure was this hurt, wounded girl who needed to be rescued from a lack of sex. Unfortunately, neither she nor her husband chose recovery, and she continued acting out.

• 4. The Opportunist

Sharlene is a 35-year-old, never married, southern bell. She talks like she’s from the South, wears tight clothes and has an amazing smile. She spends a lot of time in public places, looking for that smile to be returned. She’s quick to say hello and asks a few questions, needing some advice from men regularly. She is always touching men on their arms or shoulders and giving that look wondering, “Do you like what you see?” She’s had sex with six married men in just a month, and she really likes each one.

This cheating heart is the trickiest to detect. They don’t necessarily have a victim profile at all. Their victims are any shape, age and socioeconomic class. This heart is looking for the magic look of interest or energy. The other person could be twenty years older or younger, fat or skinny, rich or poor. This heart is exhilarated by being wanted or desired. It’s as if their heart has a gas tank of “want me,” and anyone who does want them lights the match and wham. It doesn’t matter what the package is, be it the cleaning woman, nanny, pool boy, secretary or dog groomer. It only matters that there is an opportunity.

These people don’t even make sense to themselves. They can’t see the opportunist theme until you point it out to them. Then voila, it makes sense why any shape, size or personality doesn’t matter. These people eventually snag a crazy person that can create real havoc in their life.

• 5. The Professional

Richard is a CEO of an American arm of a huge international company. He is a six-foot-six, sharp-looking man in great shape and has a commanding intellect. Richard has an attractive wife, two adult children and three homes. Richard is known to travel regularly to the same three locations: China, Brazil and Germany. When he is on his trip, he has arranged for sexual services as part of his trip. He knows exactly what days he will have available, and in two of the three locations, he has had the same women for three years.

This type of cheater is typically a man. Often, this guy is also a sexual or intimacy anorexic. He is not looking for love, nor does he care about the other person’s wants, needs or what they think of him. He wants to be serviced. He may or may not have a specific type of service in mind. He believes he is paying for the confidentiality of their sexual acts.

This person tends to have stashes of cash that nobody is aware of. They want to look normal to themselves. They have the nice wife, kids and regular vacations, but they want to be bad when they want to be bad. They rationalize, “Nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.” They don’t see their disconnectedness as a problem but as strength. If they do engage someone who is not a prostitute or stripper, then they will often control the other person with money. When they feel safe with an arrangement, they might stick to one person, because safety is more important than variety.

• 6. The Fetish Cheater

Anthony has a corporate job in a major city. He has been married to Lynn for nine years. They don’t have any children, and truth be known, they have little sex. Anthony states his overtime is to prove himself, so he can be promoted. Lynn feels alone, unwanted, like a roommate and has gained 15 extra pounds since being married to Anthony. Anthony is a cross-dresser. He likes to go out in public as a woman, and then have sex with another cross-dresser. His cross-dressing partner keeps his female clothes close by his office. He likes to go to a coffee shop or restaurant, have some food and go to his partner’s apartment and have sex a couple times a week.

This is a very specific type of cheater. They only want one flavor of ice cream. Their fetish is usually very restrictive. Oddly enough, they will pass up other available sexual opportunities outside their fetish appetite. This cheater is about one thing, the fix. It’s rarely relational. It’s about doing, watching or participating in a very specific sexual act.

This type of cheater will go to great lengths and, sometimes, great risk to receive a very specific fix. This cheating heart is also compartmentalized and often has a sense of entitlement. My experience with the fetish cheater is that, many times, they are intimacy and sexually anorexic in their marriage as well.

This article has been excerpted from: 

Addicted to Adultery: The Other Reason Spouses Cheat 

(Discovery Press, 2010) by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. The Executive Director at Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado for more than 20 years, Dr. Weiss has had the opportunity to help many men and women break free from their sexual addiction.

SOURCE:  click  HERE  

Relationships ~ The Serial "Overlapper"

 

Over-lapper, definition: Someone who puts out feelers, dates, or begins a new relationship before ending an existing relationship. The status, or extent, of an over-lapper's existing relationship is often kept a secret from the new love interest.

Habitual over-lappers don’t like to leave a relationship until they’ve got another one to go to.

It’s painful and unfortunate, but sometimes we do meet our next partner before our current relationship has ended. It doesn’t necessarily mean that something physical happens, but yes, sometimes our heads get turned. We feel deeply attracted to someone, and we know that we cannot continue as is. Some people know that their feelings have changed about their current relationship and their partner without having any physical overlap, infidelity. Some people start something new and then have to find a “good moment to break bad news” to their current partner.

Some signs and habits of an over-lapper:

1. Habitual over-lappers are always lining up their next option, so it’s ready to use when needed.
2. They reopen negotiations with their ex behind your back.
3. They’ve got someone at work/the gym/club that they flirt with.
4. They’re confiding their problems, real or imagined, to someone at work (or elsewhere). 
5. They’ve got someone mooning over them and becoming an indispensable "friend".
6. They stroll down memory lane on Facebook with someone from high school or college, aka "The High School Sweetheart".

Many people don’t know how to break up.

Let’s be real, some people don’t do being alone very well. I know a few people who’ve never had a clean break between relationships. 

Some people need to have their ego stroked elsewhere when they experience relationship problems. It gives them reassurance, because getting attention and possibly the offer of another relationship from someone else must mean that the problem isn’t theirs.

Over-lappers don’t gain any insights from their relationships, and they will repeat the same mistakes over and over again.  They just transfer feelings and emotions to a new partner and assume that new surroundings and a clean slate means old problems are solved, as if to suggest that they had no contribution to failed relationships and have nothing to learn.

It’s safe to say that sometimes the new partner is/was unaware of the existence of their relationship with a current partner when they became involved. When the over-lapper is caught, a common excuse used is:  “Oh we were pretty much over by then!” or “Baby, I was afraid I’d lose you, so I lied."

To be clear though, regardless of what state a current relationship was in at the time a new relationship was started... over-lapping is cheating.

Even if it didn’t get physical, overlapping equals an emotional affair. 

The over-lapper's new partner may feel flattered while they are enjoying the honeymoon glow new stage of the relationship. But they don’t realize that your average over-lapper is demonstrating that when faced with problems and conflict in a relationship, they don’t do problem-solving. They will simply repeat the pattern and begin to look for a new partner.  

Note: If you’re with an over-lapper, ask about their breakups. If this pattern of behavior is habitual, know that you could be the next victim as soon as the over-lapper feels unhappy or discontent within your relationship.  Also, bear in mind that when an over-lapper is questioned about past relationships, they may not be honest about the numbers.

The source for this post: For more information, and to read this article in its entirety, follow this link:

"Baggage Reclaim"

click  HERE

Chronic Cheaters ~ Beware of Red Flags

 
It's finally time for another relationship post.  I'll be adding this to a compilation of blog posts all on relationship issues.  Click HERE to visit that post.  You will find posts on a plethora of relationship issues, and you'll be able to pick up some advice from the experts.

This is an interesting article, all about the Chronic cheater.  This is the individual that continues to plough a destructive path through peoples' lives over and over and over again.  And all the while, they find ways of justifying their abhorrent behavior and bad choices.

Not everyone may be able to "check" all ten bullet points, but if you can check off five or more, it should raise a red flag.

It’s tempting to think that anybody who cheats is a “cheater,” but I don’t really believe that to be true. For a lot of people, cheating is a one-off, or at least, an out of character series of decisions.

When we talk about “cheaters” or watching out for cheaters, I think it’s important to look at chronic cheating as a better baseline definition. Those who cheat repeatedly and regardless of the consequences.

And there are certain things that nearly every chronic cheater will do.

• 1. They lie to you.

While this one might seem obvious, for the person who’s in love with a cheater, it’s often not. Even if they know about some of their partner’s cheating habits, they don’t know everything.

It’s not all that uncommon for a couple to gush about how honest they are with each other when nothing could be further from the truth.

A chronic cheater can’t be honest with you because they aren’t honest with themselves.

• 2. They lie to themselves.

Step into a chronic cheater’s head and you might be surprised that part of the way they manage their guilt is to lie to themselves about what they’re doing.

The lies vary. Maybe they tell themselves that they’re not hurting anyone. They might tell themselves that this is the last time, or that they deserve to see a certain connection through.

It doesn’t really matter what the lie is. The issue is that they can’t have a healthy and honest relationship with anybody else until they finally quit lying to themselves.

• 3. They idealize love.

For many folks, this is probably a big reason why they cheat. It’s very hard to be happy in any relationship if you’re stuck in this notion that true love is some epic fantasy.

When somebody’s definition of love resembles a movie more than real life, it’s only a matter of time before they get bored and seek out a new thrill.

In fact, a lot of chronic cheaters seem to be addicted to the flood of emotions that comes with a new romance.

• 4. They gravitate toward partners who can help feed their egos.

That’s not to say that every chronic cheater has a big head. On the contrary, a lot of folks cheat in part because they have low self-esteem or gaping insecurities. That’s why they frequently find partners who will shower them with love and adoration.

The attention they get doesn’t just puff them up. It makes them feel wanted and helps to give them a sense of worthiness they’ve been unable to foster for themselves.

Of course, it also doesn’t last.

• 5. They guilt their partners.

Like a lot of people, chronic cheaters rarely know how to fight fairly, so they argue with whatever leverage seems effective. Guilt is frequently the weapon of choice anytime a partner begins to question them about their whereabouts, and whenever someone tries to leave or ask for more.

Common phrases include, “you knew what this was,” “this is so much harder for me than it is for you,” and “you’re just like everybody else who’s ever hurt me.”

“Don’t you trust me at all,” is another question begged by many a cheater. The whole point is to turn the situation around on you and get the guilt off of them.

• 6. They take more than they give.

This one can be hard to see, especially in the beginning if they’ve been “love bombing” you. But it’s a very common theme among anyone who chronically cheats.

You have to look at whatever costs them the most to give. Some chronic cheaters have no problem with showering praise or big, public displays of affection because those things don’t mean much to them.

They will give what is easiest to give.

But when it comes to the hard parts of love that challenge them, or actually cost them something, that’s where you will always give them more than anything they will give to you.

It might be honesty, time, recognition, affection, or sometimes, even money. Whatever it is, they will have no problem taking it from you, and they will always have an excuse as to why they can’t give any of it back.

• 7. They spin their stories to fit their preferred narrative(s).

Everyone has certain narratives about themselves and others that help them make sense of the world. For chronic cheaters, those narratives help them excuse their choices.

Often, they help spin the story in an effort to deny they ever had any choice in the first place.

They might insist that a certain connection was “meant to be,” or that they are always the victim. For some cheaters, the story says that other people are constantly throwing themselves at them, and they do their best to remain faithful until finally succumbing to the seduction.

Basically, they spin stories as to say, “It’s not my fault.”

• 8. They don’t deal with the conflict in their relationships.

This is another issue that often lies at the root of a person’s cheating habits. When they face arguments or challenges in their romantic relationships, they never fully deal with what is happening.

They might say that everything is fine. They might even get angry. But the last thing they do is deal with conflict honestly.

They’re much more likely to get by with one foot out the door. When people say that a cheater wants to have their cake and eat it too, this is often what they’re talking about.

A lot of chronic cheaters would rather let a relationship implode by stepping out and cheating instead of honestly ending things first.

• 9. They blame others.

Their spouse or significant other did something that “made” them cheat. They weren’t getting what they needed from their relationship, so they were simply meeting their own needs.

They can’t be held responsible for somebody else who came onto them, or whatever. With chronic cheating, it is always somebody else’s fault.

Sometimes, it’s even the “universe” that conspires against them.

Wherever they place the blame, this can also be called making excuses. Some cheaters might go so far as to say they’re not wired for monogamy, but rather than pursue ethical non-monogamy, they continue to lie, cheat, and blame others for their decisions.

• 10. They don’t take responsibility for their own choices.

It’s not easy to admit it when you’ve hurt someone you promised to love. Most people don’t want to be known for breaking hearts and betraying trust wherever they go.

That means it’s easier to pretend that none of their choices to cheat were ever really their choices at all. Chronic cheaters often find it hard to come clean even when everybody knows they’re lying through their teeth.

Their refusal to own their choices and take responsibility for any of the aftermath is often what keeps them stuck in their habits even if they tell themselves they want to quit.

Chronic cheaters don’t have a handle on authenticity or vulnerability, two things you need when it’s time to come clean and take responsibility for your actions.

Chronic cheaters aren’t a lost cause.

I tend to look at chronic cheating much like addictions to drama, toxic relationships, or validation. It doesn’t make them terrible people, but they’re going to keep breaking hearts until they finally deal with what they’re actually doing.

That said, it’s important to understand that you can’t change a chronic cheater. They have to choose to change and do the inner work themselves.

Love can do a lot of things, but there is no amount of outer love that can prevent a habitual cheater from cheating again. That’s because their cheating isn’t about you, it’s about their relationship with themselves.

They won’t stop cheating until they quit lying to themselves and quit living in a fantasy world where love is supposed to be perfect, or that they must get their self-worth from others.

Anything else is just a Band-Aid on too deep of a wound.

The Source:

click  HERE

Text Message Cheating

After you read this article, you might wish for the good old days of a rotary landline phone that hung on the kitchen wall with four feet of cord attached to it.  It would be a little hard to use this device for cozy clandestine conversations with the opposite sex. 

It used to be if you wanted to have an affair, it took some effort. You had to arrange for secret calls and rendezvous and sneak around -- not anymore. Today’s technology has provided easier and easier ways for partners to cheat on one another. And sadly, text message cheating has become a simple way to cheat without much work at all.

Sometimes the cheating is intentional, and other times it may start off as innocent and occasional communication . Regardless, text message cheating is a really easy way to start cheating and often times not even realize it. Someone gets your cell number (an old friend, a coworker, an ex, someone from the gym, a person you met at a party) and they start sending you friendly texts. Before you know it, it's very easy to be having full-on conversations by text, and the kind of conversations you would not want your spouse or partner to be privy to.  And most problematic of all, is that you can do so anytime, anywhere.

• Why Text Message Cheating Can Be Hard To Recognize

It's not uncommon at all for cheating partners to be cheating by texting messages right in front of their unknowing partner. I've had partners tell me that it happened when they were lying next to each other in bed, riding in the car together, and standing in the kitchen talking to each other. The phone beeps or buzzes and the partner responds to a text that is explained away as just a friend or coworker, but is really the other woman or other man.

Here’s an interesting example of text cheating:

"We have had problems since December, when I found out she was in a texting affair. We worked through that, but in February she developed a very close friendship with another woman. I started suspecting something was not right with this friendship, so I confronted her and she became mad and defensive. Well, it seemed ok until she started texting her like 100 times a day; then she started running into her wherever she went. I think they were doing it on purpose, so I asked her and she became very angry again, saying I was over analyzing it." -Rick B.

Here’s another case showing men and women are equally vulnerable.

"I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, and we are both thinking about getting married. I love him.  I love spending time with him, and I really want to be married, but I'm also very worried that I can't trust him not to cheat. From the very beginning, it has been difficult for him to stop being always on the lookout for someone to flirt with, or date, even though we are together. He had an extremely inappropriate texting relationship with a girl he briefly dated in college, which went on for the first year and a half of our relationship." -Tonya W.

All cheating causes pain, but because text message cheating can literally happen while you and your partner are together, it can be especially hurtful. It doesn’t take physical contact with someone else to cause deep wounds and break the trust that’s so crucial to a healthy relationship

• Symptoms Of Text Message Cheating

As you can see, texting can cross the line and become a problem with any relationship. So what are some signs of text message cheating?

For one, treating your cell phone like it's something you cannot be separated from. If you always have to have your phone with you, even at home, and never let it out of your sight, that's a warning sign.

Another major sign of textbook cheating is having your cell phone password locked and not allowing anyone to use it, or look at what's on it.

Apps are installed that can be used to text or instant message in secrecy. I won't give their names to prevent the information from being misused, but texting apps exist, so do cheating apps, and some of the everyday apps many of us already use give the option to hide communication. So you should know what apps are on your partner's phone and what they're used for.

Unfortunately, today's technology offers many ways to have a texting affair and keep it secret. Phone records will show you texts were sent, but you cannot see their content. Flipping through the contacts list won't usually be revealing either as the names and numbers are often hidden under a false contact name.

Dealing with a cheating partner is tricky, no matter how it’s happening. The pain and feeling of betrayal can stir-up many strong emotions, especially anger. These feelings can cause people to act in ways that simply make things worse and lead to even more hurt, particularly if you’re mistaken about your suspicions. There are things you can do, however, to help determine whether there may be something to worry about. 

One thing you can do to uncover text message cheating is asking to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. Their behavior will typically reveal more than anything you could ever find on their phone.

I was counseling a troubled couple recently, and he had been suspected of cheating. When she asked to see his phone, he wouldn't give it to her, but after a long fight he held it up 3 feet away from her face and flipped through the screens. Then he locked it and walked away. Do you think she had anything to be suspicious of?

There are many excuses that can be given as to why the contents of a phone cannot be shared, but keep in mind that very few of us really have justifiable reasons why our partner cannot look through our phone. And if your partner says they do, be very skeptical.

And, unfortunately, texting isn’t the only way technology can be used to facilitate an affair. Facebook and Instagram also provide covert ways for partners to cheat. Once again, smart phones can provide convenient and stealthy means for spouses and partners to have inappropriate communication, or emotional affairs.

In some ways, cheating through texting is really obvious if you know what to look for, as with the guy in our example above. But in other ways, it's not. Nevertheless, healthy relationships are built on transparency and trust. When you don't have transparency or trust, your relationship is very susceptible to the development of text message cheating.

Source:

https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/3-signs-of-text-message-cheating

Digital Cheating ~ Infidelity in the Modern World

Source:

Clinical Psychologist, Andrea Bonior PHD

In my years as a clinical psychologist and advice columnist, I have seen firsthand that infidelity has many forms, from sex outside of an established relationship to hiding a secret bank account. With the advent of social media, though, a new kind of cheating has emerged... digital flirtation and intimacy that violate the bounds of a marriage or commitment. In fact, some recent research suggests not only that active Facebook and Twitter users are at heightened risk for relationship conflict because of their social media use, but that this activity significantly correlates with a heightened risk of infidelity and divorce.

Mild, in-person flirtation is often fleeting and superficial, but when communication extends to social media, texts, and email, your partner becomes available 24/7 for temptation and increased emotional connection. "Is he cheating on me?" you may wonder. But the question might not be as black-or-white as you think.

Whether someone's actually having sex outside of the relationship or not, here are six signs that a partner's online activity is threatening to your relationship. (I use the "he" pronoun here, but of course, infidelity crosses gender and sexual orientation.)

He is often lost in thought within his texting conversations and never shares what they're about. 

Compulsive smartphone use can be a constant source of friction within romantic relationships, as one partner feels cut off from the person who is more engaged with a device than with the in-person conversation they're supposed to be having. When your partner is chuckling or otherwise responding emotionally to his device, yet not making any effort to let you in on what's going on in his mind at the moment, it creates a thick wall between you. No, you shouldn't expect anyone to be an open book about every single thing they're doing online.  Boundaries, and a certain amount of privacy, have an important place in any healthy relationship, but if his digital conversations are frequently taking him away from being present with you, and he makes no effort to bridge that gap, then his attentions, and priorities, may well lie elsewhere.

He gets texts at all hours, including late at night. 

Twenty years ago, if a friend or coworker called your partner at 11 p.m. while the two of you were winding down for bed, you'd probably have been taken aback. But smartphones have changed all that, and it's gradually grown more acceptable to text someone, and even to expect a response, long into traditionally intimate late-night hours. A wayward text from friends late at night is not necessarily a cause for concern, and some couples actually choose to wind down on their devices, side-by-side. But when his online conversations start regularly making their unwanted way into your bedroom late at night, whether by his initiation or the other person's, then you may already be playing second fiddle to another relationship.

You've awakened to see him on Facebook or on his phone, but he's quick to put it away when he sees you. 

With more and more people sleeping with their smartphones, which evidence shows does not exactly foster healthy sleep patterns, the likelihood of someone having private online communiqués grows as well. It's one thing for him to be idly surfing Facebook at 3 a.m... but if he's trying desperately to hide it from you when you happen to wake up, you have to wonder why.

He is very physically possessive of his phone or iPad. 

People who are behaving inappropriately and trying to hide it often have a heightened vigilance against getting caught, and you can see this in their automatic physical behavior. If he seems to be almost compulsive in protecting his phone, closing browser windows, or shielding you from even glimpsing any of his communication, chances are high that he's desperate to keep you from seeing it, probably for a reason. This might show in an increased startle response, or irritability if you idly pick up his phone for innocent reasons.

You see people commenting on his Facebook wall and sharing inside jokes, and you have no idea who they are. 

Many people can't even recognize all of their own Facebook friends, let alone their partner's. We all may have coworkers, friends of friends, and random people from our middle-school debate team on our friend list that our partner wouldn't be able to pick out of a lineup. But if someone is all over your partner's wall, and seems to show a level of intimacy and humor with him that you're not privy to, the fact that he has not talked about this person could be a sign that there's really something to hide.

He gets defensive about how much time he spends on his phone, or even tries to accuse you of bad behavior. 

If your partner is doing something he knows he shouldn't, he may go on the offensive first, or stockpile his defenses in a desperate bid to fend off your noticing it. Maybe he won't even entertain a single discussion about how much time he spends on his phone, or he will defend it, or he is quick to pick apart your online habits. Why would he be so wound up about it? It could be a sign he's protecting himself and his actions, that he already knows are inappropriate, and he doesn't want you to be suspicious.

Relationships ~ 4 Situations That May Be Considered Cheating

• Cheating is defined differently by different people.
• Boundaries and expectations should be set early in a relationship.
• Just because you haven't had sex with someone else doesn't mean you are being faithful.
• Emotional affairs, work spouses, deleting texts, and keeping in touch with exes can all be forms of infidelity.

For many people, the act of cheating is cut and dried... it is engaging in sexual contact of any kind with a person who is not your partner. But for others, being unfaithful can mean participating in any number of activities which your partner feels should be reserved exclusively for them.

In an interview with HuffPost, clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley Jr. explained that infidelity does terrible damage to your partner. Through surveys conducted by his company Marriage Builders, Harley said he has found that affairs are listed as being more painful than losing a young child, losing an arm, having your house burned down, and being physically abused.

Because the definition of cheating varies from person to person, clear boundaries need to be set at the beginning of a relationship, and both partners must agree to adhere to those relationship rules. Without setting boundaries and expectations, you or your partner might be unfaithful without realizing it. Here are some ways you might be cheating even if it doesn't feel like it.

• You're having an emotional affair.

One of the most common ways people cheat is by having an emotional affair. To put it simply, an emotional affair is an affair of the heart. According to a HuffPost interview with author and marriage therapist Sheri Meyers, PsyD, if there is sexual chemistry, flirtation, and you fantasize about taking it to the next level, it is emotional infidelity — even if you haven't actually had sex with someone else.

Emotional affairs can hurt as much, if not more than sexual infidelity. As Wendy Lustbader, MSW, explained in Psychology Today, "someone has stepped into emotional territory previously reserved for them, to which they used to have free and exclusive access. Now there are sections of this sphere that belong to someone else, that are off-limits to them and have become private." In other words, the intimate communication you should be reserving for your spouse or partner is being given to someone outside of your relationship.

Emotional infidelity has become more rampant in the age of social media. It isn't uncommon to hear of someone sending flirty texts or direct messages back and forth with an old flame or a co-worker, and having that lead to something more.

• You have a "work spouse."

A work spouse relationship refers to two platonic colleagues who share a bond similar to that of a marriage. They turn to each other for advice, take breaks together, eat lunch together, and discuss their personal lives. Although office friendships are important, with work spouses, you quickly settle into a comfort level reminiscent to that of your real spouse. The lines between a professional and personal relationship can become blurred, and may lead to more intimate (and inappropriate) interactions.

Jacqueline Olds, MD, a psychoanalyst and associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, warned that a greater danger lies when you form this kind of bond with a person of the gender to which you are sexually attracted. She told the HuffPost, "two good friends who don't think they would be attracted can accidentally fall into infatuation. It happens quite often at work."

In fact, an Office Pulse study found 7% of office professionals have definitely crossed the line with their work spouse and up to 20% of them may have done something that could be considered inappropriate. If you're doing something that you wouldn't like your own spouse or partner doing in a similar situation, you are probably crossing the line.

Nikki Martinez, an Illinois-based psychologist told the Chicago Tribune that even if nothing suspicious is going on, it's normal for the real spouse to feel jealous of a work spouse. This can create big problems in your marriage, especially if you hang out with or text your work spouse after hours when you should be focusing on your partner. 

• You delete your texts, emails, and direct messages.

If you feel the need to delete your texts, emails, or social media DMs before your significant other comes across them, it's a sign that your correspondence is not exactly platonic. You may justify deleting texts by telling yourself that your partner will misinterpret or overreact, but this only serves to prove that you are intentionally engaging in an activity that goes against your partner's wishes.

Zack Carter PhD, a professor of communication at Taylor University, said he feels that digital communication can be a gateway to infidelity, which may be why you are inclined to erase the messages.

Carter explains in Psychology Today, "text messaging provides an opportunity for wandering hearts, hearts not fully committed to their spouses or partners, to seek pleasure from someone other than their spouses or partners when their relationship grass may be losing its color. More alarmingly though, text messaging provides an opportunity for even hearts most devoted to their relationships, to inadvertently seek pleasure from someone other than their spouse or partner."

• You secretly keep in touch with an ex.

When you start dating someone new, it is important to learn their feelings on maintaining contact with exes. If you share a child with an ex, communication is not only inevitable, but essential in successful co-parenting. However, if you have no ties to your ex other than a failed relationship, you should get your new partner's blessing before keeping in touch. Doing so in secret could be a sign that there is more going on than just catching up.

In Psychology Today, Gwendolyn Seidman PhD, an associate professor of psychology and chair of the psychology department at Albright College noted a 2016 study that found that people are more likely to communicate with exes they still have feelings for. Additionally, researchers found a link between keeping in touch with exes and how happy you are in your current relationship. The more often you communicate with an ex, the less satisfied you may be with your current relationship.

Source:

https://www.insider.com/subtle-signs-youre-cheating-2018-5

What If Your Spouse is Having an Emotional Affair?

It usually starts out innocently enough. Your spouse has to get an important project done and needs help from a co-worker. It’s only natural that they would talk about their personal lives when they are spending so much time together. Or maybe your spouse is scrolling through social media one day and finds that a former lover sent him/her a “friend” request. So they start to talk “for old time’s sake.” That’s all it is, just talk. But you can’t stop that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that something’s off. Then one day, it hits you. Is your spouse having an emotional affair?

• What is an Emotional Affair? 

In the past, most people defined an affair as a sexual relationship between two people, at least one of whom was married to someone other than their affair partner. Most sexual affairs, but not all, have an emotional component to them as well. But just having feelings for someone else was never technically classified as “an affair.” 

Now, that’s changed. 

In today’s world, we expect that our spouse will not only be sexually exclusive with us, but s/he will be emotionally exclusive as well. We’re no longer okay if our spouse happens to fall in love with someone else, so long as s/he doesn’t have sex with that person. 

An emotional affair then is an inappropriate emotional closeness with someone other than your spouse. That emotional connection in turn affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance, and the overall dynamic of your marriage. 

In short, an emotional affair involves your heart, but not necessarily any other body part. To say that an emotional affair isn’t sexual, however, is not necessarily true. 

• Is an Emotional Affair Really Cheating? 

According to world-renowned couples therapist, Esther Perel, infidelity contains one or more of these three elements: 

1. Secrecy 
2. Sexual Tension
3. Emotional Involvement 

Interestingly, this definition of infidelity does not require two people to actually have sex. Having a secret emotional relationship constitutes infidelity just as much as “hooking up” with someone outside of your marriage. 

What’s more, an emotional affair can be just as hurtful, sometimes even more hurtful, than a full blown sexual affair. More than anything else, the secrecy of the emotional affair is what makes it so devastating. It’s also what makes it a betrayal. 

The fact that your spouse may not have had sex with his/her new “friend” isn’t nearly as hurtful as the fact that s/he lied to you about his/her relationship. 

What’s more, just because two people aren’t having sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that their relationship isn’t exploding with sexual tension. As Esther Perel so aptly puts it in her ground-breaking book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. 

“Clearly, affairs can be sexual without a penis entering a vagina, and in such cases it is more helpful to call a spade a spade.” 

Sometimes, the lack of physical contact is exactly what makes a relationship erotic. 

• But We’re “Just Friends!” 

Some relationships really do lack the sexual tension that characterizes a typical affair. People joke about having a “work wife” – someone they spend a lot of time with, but aren’t involved with romantically. Sometimes those relationships are truly platonic. 

After all, just because you spend a lot of time working with someone doesn’t mean that you are having “A Relationship” with them. 

What makes the difference between a working relationship and an affair is the lack of ANY of the three factors Esther Perel has identified as characterizing infidelity. 

The spouse in the working relationship isn’t hiding any part of that relationship from his/her spouse. S/he is not sending furtive texts to their “work buddy” in the middle of the night. S/he is not sharing personal secrets and long-held dreams with their co-worker instead of with their spouse. 

A truly platonic relationship also lacks the sexual tension that characterizes an affair. Neither person in the relationship is flirting with the other. Neither is making inappropriate remarks or sexually-charged suggestions to the other. 

Finally, in a truly platonic relationship, the emotional connection that the people in that relationship share is typically minimal. Sure, they care about each other. But they care about you like a parent or a sibling. They don’t care like lovers care. 

• Why Does Emotional Cheating Hurt so Much? 

At its core, an affair – any kind of affair – is a betrayal of trust. When you discover that your spouse has been calling, texting, or spending time with someone else without your knowing about it, you feel violated. You feel like someone just hacked into your body with an ice pick and pulled your heart, and your guts, out right through your skin. 

It feels that bad. 

What makes that feeling even worse in emotional affairs is that the offending party might not even think they did anything wrong. 

“I didn’t touch him/her! Why are you so mad? We’re just friends!” 

Or, worse yet, the offending party may get mad at YOU for being “controlling,” “petty,” and “insecure!” 

So, on top of dealing with your own emotional devastation, you — also have to deal with your cheating spouse’s anger, denial, and defensiveness as well. That makes recovering from an emotional affair pretty much impossible. 

After all, if your spouse can’t even acknowledge your pain, s/he certainly can’t help you work through it. What’s more, if your spouse cares more about staying connected with someone else than s/he does about staying connected with you, your marriage isn’t likely to last very long. (Sorry!) 

SOURCE 

https://karencovy.com/cheating-spouse-having-emotional-affair/