Women & Societal Pressure to Stay... audio version

 

Women & Societal Pressure to Stay

 

Normally, the only place you would see this reading is in the sidebar at my website The Witch's Corner, something special for my visitors.  But today's message seems so profound, and it feels like something that needs to be shared on as wide a stage as possible.  So here you go...

The cards:

• 3/wands (R)
• Queen/pentacles
• 9/cups (R)
• The World (R)
• King/Cups
• Knight/pentacles (R)
• 5/wands (R)
• 10/swords (R)
• 2/pentacles

There's been a lot of "water under the bridge" where this couple is concerned. There has been broken promises; inconsistent patterns of behavior; and actions with some pretty questionable motives. There has also been consistent squabbling and a whole period of time of confrontations and arguments, leading to a terrible and very negative atmosphere, which doesn't sound like something that would be very enjoyable to be living with.

In the end, it's going to be all about someone finding a way to re-establish a healthy balance in their lives. It's going to be all about someone being able to pull themselves out from under a negative set of circumstances to set themselves up for a healthier lifestyle, a healthier relationship, or a new and healthy solitary existence.

As a witness to an older set of morals and an older style of living, I can see where we need to look at situations like this from a fresh new perspective. In my grandmother's day, a married or committed couple stayed together no matter what, and this resulted in some pretty miserable lives, as I can attest to.

My grandmother divorced a man in the 1960s to escape an abusive relationship, only to remarry him months later due to extreme societal and familial pressure. It was as big a mistake the second time as it was the first time.

I'm hoping that we live in a less judgemental era, and I'd like to think that we do. But you know what? I still listen to disparaging things said about women who have decided to end a marriage or a committed relationship here in the 21st century.

We've come a long way, but we still have a long way to go.

If this reading is for you, and you find yourself in an abusive relationship, or even simply an unhappy relationship, do not hesitate to exit this set of circumstances. Do not allow yourself to be pressured to stay where you are not happy in a situation that is not healthy for you.

Audio Version

Second Time Around ~ Should You Remarry Your Ex?

Rarely, do you hear someone say they want to remarry their ex. After all, they are divorced and presumably have moved on. But there are times that remarriage does occur. In fact, according to one study, as many as 10% to 15% of all divorced couples will reconcile.

In those cases, the couples may have realized that the grass really wasn't greener on the divorced side. Or, maybe time did heal all wounds. Whatever the reason, remarriage between divorced couples does happen on occasion. If you're thinking of rekindling the romance with an ex-spouse, there are some critical things to consider first.

Why Divorced Couples Get Remarried

While the reasons for getting remarried vary from couple to couple, many people realize after the anger and frustration dissipate that they actually miss their former spouse, especially if they were married for any length of time. Then, they start to wonder what they could have done differently, or if the marriage could have been salvaged. Some people even wonder if they made a mistake.

Here are some other possible reasons divorced couples consider remarrying one another.

• Realize single life is unsatisfying and difficult
• Recognize they divorced impulsively or for stupid reasons
• Realize they're still in love with their ex
• Experience some personal growth that led them back to the relationship
• Miss the familiarity they had with their ex
• Forgive and/or forget the things their ex did wrong
• Maintain a positive relationship with their ex

Things to Consider Before Remarrying

Before you remarry your ex, you need to be sure you are both ready for the work involved because it won't be easy.  If you and your ex-spouse are committed to the idea of getting back together, you need to remember these three things:

• The odds are against you.
• You must take things slowly.
• You should see a marriage counselor and take a marriage education course.

Making Your Second Time Around Together Successful

If you are committed to remarrying your former spouse, you should plan on being in a loving relationship for a minimum of a year before tying the knot again.

During that time, you need to address the reasons why you divorced in the first place. After all, you are marrying the same person. While you both may have experienced some personal growth since the divorce, there still will be things about your ex that annoy you. Here are some suggestions to improve your chances of having a successful second marriage to one another.

Get Counseling

Marriage counselors agree that you must learn from your marital history or the two of you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. Unresolved and unfinished business will resurface.  Honestly look at what caused your divorce. If the marriage failed because of finances, be clear on how you will spend money. If problems revolved around parenting issues, work this conflict out first. If the divorce was due to infidelity, process the unfaithfulness, forgive, and rebuild trust.

You also may want to read a marriage book together and take a marriage workshop or course. The more work you do on the front end of your relationship, the better off you will be after you remarry. Building a new foundation takes time and effort. You have to confront past issues that caused conflict and learn new ways of interacting.

Take a Personal Inventory

When divorce happens, no one is blameless. Even if infidelity was the primary reason for the divorce, there are bound to be other issues in the marriage. And while those issues do not excuse the unfaithfulness nor can they be blamed for it, they still need to be addressed.

Admit to your role and responsibility in what went wrong in your first marriage. If you can't readily do this, you will continue to struggle in this marriage. You also need to keep things completely honest between the two of you. There should be no game playing, no mind reading, and no unspoken expectations. Share with one another your hopes, dreams, and expectations.

Consider Your Children

Getting back together just for the sake of the kids is a bad idea. Get back together because you love (and like) one another and want to be together again. If you do have children, don't let them know you're dating again for a while. They could get their hopes up that you will reconcile. These hopes also could put pressure on you to remarry even if things are not going as well as you would like.

Be Realistic

It is important to recognize that the first marriage is dead. As hard as this may be, do not let that ghost hurt your new marriage. Don't dwell on the mistakes you made in the previous marriage. Instead, focus on your future together.

Also, make sure you have reasonable expectations. At the core, you will be marrying the same person. Some of the old annoying habits will still be there. And, if you discover that things aren't right, trust your gut and end the relationship.

A Word of Caution & Encouragement

Whatever you do, don't rush into a second marriage with your ex-spouse. Developing trust and making a marriage work requires a strong commitment by both of you. Take time to understand the dynamics of your relationship more fully before getting married again.

Source:

https://www.verywellmind.com/is-a-second-time-around-realistic-2300932

When Your Ex is Stalking You

Once upon a time you were a happy couple. But things changed and you broke up. And now your ex pops up at your workplace or school, parks in front of your house, sits two tables away from you at your favorite restaurant, hidden behind a newspaper, and sends you gifts, postcards, emails and text messages begging you to come back. And not just once, but every hour of every day. You are being stalked. This obsessive behavior will drive you crazy and could be dangerous, and you need to make it stop.

EXPERT TIP





SARAH SCHEWITZ, PSYD
Love & Relationship Psychologist

Cut off all contact with your ex. Love and relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says: "If your ex is stalking you, stop answering their calls and block them online, and if it gets dangerous, call law enforcement. It's not your responsibility to help them find closure."

Cut through your denial. Your first step to stopping a stalker is to accept that you are being stalked. Stalking is not a minor problem or a small irritant. It can be dangerous, and should not be tolerated.  Stalkers can be either men or women, and anyone can be a victim. If you are at all concerned about your ex and what he or she might do, it is not a sign of weakness to accept that. Only by doing this will you be able to stop it.

Don’t worry about overreacting. If you feel scared, worried, or angered about someone else’s behavior, you don’t need to tolerate it. If you are concerned, act quickly.

Do not confront your stalker. Recognizing her behavior will only confirm her belief that it is working, and will encourage further stalking behavior. This means ignoring gifts, calls, and any attempts she makes to contact you. Do not return them or respond in any way.

You cannot reason with a stalker. This person has already decided that she will follow you, no matter what you say. This kind of reaction will only encourage her to continue trying, or to try even harder, to stay in touch with you.

Tell other people. If you think you are being stalked, let others know. Tell your friends, family members, or other people you trust. That way, they can help keep an eye out for your stalker and call the police if they think something is wrong.

When you tell others, be careful not to demonize your stalker. You only need to let others know about them not tell them how terrible he/she is. Unless something dangerous has already happened, demonizing your stalker can only help to escalate the situation with others.

Keep a record of stalking activities. Note exactly what happened, along with when and where it took place. Keep a record of every phone call, including the ones you don’t answer, every text, every email, and every confrontation you have. If the situation escalates, and you need to take legal action, this will be important evidence to have available.

If you are concerned that your ex has access to your computer, or other means of manipulating an online list, consider writing these events down in a journal. This can be more permanent, and less susceptible to outside tampering.

Texts, emails, and phone calls are not evidence of stalking by themselves. While you can prove that the email came from your ex’s address, that doesn’t mean that she sent it. You should still hold on to these, as they can be helpful evidence when building a case for a restraining order.

Get a restraining order. A restraining order is a court order that prevents a stalker from coming into contact with you. Go to your local courthouse and fill out a petition for a restraining order.  You will need to include an affidavit that explains what your stalker has been doing. This is where your record of her actions can be helpful.

Since this is a legal document, you may want to consult a lawyer when filing the order. Of course, lawyers can be expensive, so you can also reach out to other staff members in the courthouse about your options.  A restraining order is only a legal document, and not a guarantee. It can make it easier to arrest and prosecute, but won’t actually stop an individual from stalking you. You will still need to be alert. 

Change your daily routine. Because she knows you so well, your ex will probably be able to keep track of you by visiting the same locations you do. While this is certainly annoying, you should consider modifying your favorite places and usual routes to prevent her from easily following you.

Look for things you can easily change, like places you shop and eat, or things like the gym and other places you regularly visit. Try to find different ways to get to your important locations, so your stalker can’t track you along the way.

While you probably can’t change your school and work hours, it can never hurt to ask, especially if you are concerned for your safety and peace of mind, especially if you want to avoid direct contact.  If you do need to make drastic changes to your schedule, keep paper records of the financial effect this has on you. This can be good evidence for legal proceedings, and can even be the basis for financial reimbursement if the changes are serious enough.

Change your passwords. Your ex probably knows a few of your passwords to things like social media accounts and email, as well as even more sensitive information like your bank account. Don’t give her the chance to mess with these items, or use them to track your activity.  Make sure your new password is secure. The traditional advice is to make your password a combination of upper and lower case letters, numbers, and symbols. Keep your passwords in a secure place, and only enter them on secure websites.

Clean up your social network. Online social networks like Facebook are a good resource for tracking someone. Make sure you clear out your social media accounts to prevent your ex from having ways to keep tabs on you.

Update your privacy settings so that only your friends are allowed to see your posts.

After your break-up, unfriend your ex so that she cannot track you through the network. Make sure to ignore all friend requests from her. Be very careful about adding new friends, especially people who know your ex, and would let her keep an eye on you through their activities.

Don’t be afraid to unfriend other mutual friends, especially if you are concerned that your ex will use them to track you. It may feel mean, but that is not important. Your safety is what comes first, and you cannot overreact to a stalker.  Don't make posts that clearly show your whereabouts, or anything that would let your ex find you quickly. This means avoiding obvious landmarks like your workplace, school, street signs, or anything else that would let someone who knows you figure out where you are.

Make your online materials private. This means things like your personal calendar, which would allow a stalker to follow you and know where you are planning to be. Check privacy settings on any websites you frequent to make sure nothing is accessible to anyone you wouldn’t want to see it.  Run your name through a search engine to see what is connected to you. If you find information about yourself that you would not like publicly available, get rid of it. That may mean asking your friends to remove social media posts that tag you.

Notice signs of control in your relationship. Stalking is about control. If your partner has been trying to control you, she is more likely to continue doing so after you have broken up. Some of these signs include:

Regularly belittling you, putting you down, or discouraging your dreams and personal growth.

Monopolizing your time with text or phone calls.

Telling you who you should or shouldn't be friends with, or who you should or shouldn't date after you've broken up.

Interfering in new relationships.  Even though you've broken up, they still feel entitled to have access to you when this may cause issues with your new partner.

These tips certainly aren't a guarantee that you will be stalked, but it can be a warning sign that your ex might try to maintain control over you even after you're separated or divorced.

Make your break up clear. There should be no doubt in your mind that you have ended the relationship with this person. The important thing is that there can be no confusion that you do not want to see this person anymore.

While you may be tempted to let your ex down easily, you need to be firm and clear that you want to end the relationship. A potential stalker will use any potential opening as an excuse to continue following you, so don’t give one.

If you are fearful of the other person’s reaction, make sure to break up in a public place. While this generally isn’t a nice idea, you shouldn’t be alone if you are concerned for your safety. Your security comes first.

Cut off contact. This means phone calls, emails, texts, and any other forms of communication. Aside from cutting your ex off and not giving her a way to track you, it will also help you get past the relationship.

This includes social media. Delete pictures or other items of the two of you together and block your ex. This will help prevent her from stalking you, and make it easier to move on by removing the means to stalk her in response.

Get back your keys. You and your significant other probably shared keys and other items as a way to stay close. Now that you have broken up, get your keys back. You don’t want to give her any access to you or your things.

If you aren’t going to be able to get your keys back, it is a good idea to change your locks. You shouldn’t allow such easy access into your home to someone you don’t want to see anymore.

The Source for this Article:

https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Your-Ex-Stalking-You?fbclid=IwAR2MEnbKjXcNQqFG2mnzvtR9UbiZcHOtSDgVK3nN3YX6Dtv0QP1P66wiknc

When You Fall In Love With the Guy Who's Still In Love With His Ex

• When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you probably won’t realize it at first. He’s hooking up with you.  He’s obviously not that broken up about his last relationship.

• When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you may begin to notice that he has good days and bad days. Sometimes it seems like he can’t keep his hands off you, and other days he’s standoffish, impatient, and sharp. Or he treats you with disinterest, or as an irritation.

• When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you’ll eventually pick up on the unusual tone in his voice when he speaks of her.  Maybe he brings her up too frequently in conversations and a wistful look comes over his face, or he'll become emotional talking about an incident that made her sad or unhappy.  You’ll awkwardly stand and listen.  You don’t want to rudely interrupt him, but you’d rather discuss just about anything else in the world than this.  Or maybe it’s the opposite – each time you ask a casual question about her, he wears a pained expression and changes the topic as soon as possible. It’s evident that he would rather discuss just about anything else in the world than this.

• When you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you may spot her name pop up ever so often on his phone, or he may attempt to hide her in his contacts under another name.  You try not to dwell on it.  It’s perfectly normal, in certain situations, for exes to remain friends and nothing inconvenient comes from it.  But something doesn't feel right.  Your intuition kicks in, and you realize the amount of contact going on is not normal, and the secrecy surrounding this contact is definitely not normal.  He's treating this connection with his ex like a man who's having an affair.

This unusual contact with his ex will make you feel like a third wheel.  You won't understand what your role in his life is, and you may even feel like you're interloping on their "husband/wife" relationship.   Finally, you may muster up the courage to utter the dreaded question,  “What are we?”  Because you're honestly not sure.

It took you immense effort to conjure enough confidence to ask this question, and his long stumbling detailed response to this question prompts you to ask another... “Are you still in love with your ex?”

Your boldness takes both of you by surprise. He stares at you, mouth agape, contemplating how he’s going to answer this question, but his hesitation already answered the question for you.  Your next question, "What on earth do you two talk about?" and his long astonished embarrassed silent pause confirms your suspicions.

• Deep down you know that if you fell for a man who wasn’t still in love with his ex, he would have immediately answered these questions with no hesitation.  Better yet, there would have been no signs that compelled you to even ask him about his relationship and feelings for his ex.  The issue would have been non-existent.  Most people, men and women alike, are eager to put their past relationships behind them.  If you suspect someone is not over their ex, you’re probably right.

• If you fall for a guy who’s still in love with his ex, you need to accept it and move on.  It may be hard, really hard, but what’s even harder is living with the knowledge that another woman still occupies his heart. You could put all of your energy into trying to win him over, to show him how much you love him, and how devoted to him and your relationship you are... you could cook all his favorite foods; you could perpetually be ready to have sex at any moment; and you could wait on him hand and foot, being at his every beck and call. But not only will this be futile, you don’t deserve the burden of trying to make room in his heart for you, and you alone.

You deserve a man whose thoughts revolve around you, and only you, as his partner and someone who shares his life.  You deserve someone who chooses you as much as you have chosen them.  You deserve a man who is going to put 100% of himself into the success of your relationship. 

Source:

https://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2016/07/when-you-fall-for-the-guy-who-still-loves-his-ex/

Dealing With a Jealous Ex-Spouse

Jealousy is most often caused by low self-esteem, insecurity, and fear of abandonment. The fact that jealousy is caused by personal fears explains why divorced people so often feel jealous of their ex-spouse, even though the jealousy makes no logical sense. After all, most divorced couples have no emotional connections with each other, so why feel jealous? In spite of being an irrational feeling, feeling jealous of an ex-spouse happens all the time, especially when he or she begins dating, gets engaged, introduces his or her new love to the children, or gets married and starts a new family.

• Causes of Jealousy

Feeling jealous is associated with high levels of oxytocin, the so-called “love hormone.” Men most often feel jealous when their ex-spouse begins having sex with another man, while women feel jealous when their ex-spouse becomes emotionally involved with another woman. Individuals who are insecure, anxious, or fear abandonment experience more jealousy than people who are personally secure.

• Jealousy and Control

Jealousy is difficult to handle between divorced people because it makes little sense. After all, what is there to be jealous about? The divorced spouses are no longer married, and most of them have no emotional relationship that can be threatened, so why should the fact that an ex-spouse has started dating or become engaged make any difference? The reason an ex-spouse feels jealous is related to a need to control others to make themselves feel safe. Jealous divorced persons are trying to manage their own fears by exerting control over an ex-spouse. Jealousy isn’t about love, it’s about the jealous person’s own anxieties and insecurities.

• Maintaining Boundaries

When an ex-spouse discovers you are dating or getting married, he or she is likely to bombard you with communications to push your buttons and make life difficult. This behavior is unreasonable because any rights he or she had over your life went away when you divorced. Your ex-spouse is no longer your partner, lover, or friend, and he or she has no right to interfere with your life. If your ex-spouse is being disruptive, avoid him or her. Establish clear boundaries after the divorce to keep your new life separate from your ex-spouse. Get a protective order if necessary and ignore his or her attempts at controlling you.

• Interfering with Relationships

If your ex-spouse tries to interfere with your new relationship by saying “I don’t like him/her”, ignore the complaint and go on about your business. Jealousy is your ex spouse’s problem. Don’t pay any attention to what your ex-spouse says. He or she has no right to interfere with your life. Don’t engage or argue with your ex-spouse about your new relationship, because that will encourage him or her to continue trying to control you. As a single adult, you are the only one in a position to determine who you date or marry.

• Dealing with Jealousy

The best strategy is to disengage, set clear boundaries, and get on with your new life. Let your ex-spouse deal with his or her feelings of jealousy on their own. What should you do if you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse? Avoid situations that are likely to arouse your feelings of jealousy, such as monitoring what your ex-spouse is doing, or talking about him or her with your children. Avoid interacting with him or her as much as possible so you can focus on developing a new life for yourself.

Feeling jealous of an ex-spouse is difficult to control because it’s caused by irrational anxieties and fear of loss. If you are divorced, even if it wasn’t your idea, that relationship is over, and you need to get on with your own life. Focusing on a lost relationship is neither healthy nor productive. If you are feeling jealous of your ex-spouse, it’s probably because you are feeling insecure, dependent, or fear being abandoned again. Your best strategy is to see a counselor. Once you feel better about yourself, the jealousy will disappear.

Source:

Harry Munsinger practices collaborative and estate law in San Antonio. He has over twenty years experience resolving disputes involving divorce, probate, wills, and trusts. Harry was an adjunct law professor at the University of Texas and St. Mary’s University. He has published several textbooks and over forty psychological and legal articles. Harry has been a forensic psychology expert, a licensed psychologist and a litigator.

My Ex-Wife & New Wife Don't Get Along

Question: 

I am a 41-year-old man who has been married to my second wife for two months. I have been divorced for over two years from my first wife and am having problems with my new wife. She thinks I am not making her the priority in my life. She feels run over when it comes to my first wife, especially when dealing with my two children from my first marriage. I have a 12-year-old girl and 8-year-old boy. 

My first wife can be very manipulative. Knowing that has caused some strife, but nothing we both weren't aware of before we got married. 

My wife is mother of two, and our children mix well together. I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife. I just want all parties to get along as best we can, but that seems not likely anytime soon. My wife has been divorced for over seven years and her son lives with his father five hours away. My ex lives five minutes away, and so we deal with my ex on a daily basis because of my kids. Any advice is welcome. 

— Husband in the Middle

Dear Husband,

After only two months, you admit you both knew the issues “before we got married.” Did you think marriage would change things? Your problem is exactly what you sheepishly admit: “I guess I try to avoid conflict with the ex, which probably doesn't help with my new wife.” Dude, when a woman marries a man, she expects that he’ll protect her. If she “feels run over” by wife number one, she’ll feel run over by a lackluster you. Here’s what to do:

1) You’re not in Switzerland, so stop your “peace at any price” fantasy.

2) Start taking an obvious stand on your new wife’s side.

3) Refuse your exwife’s manipulations.

Unless you alter the behaviors that remain from your first marriage, you’ll just be repeating the same steps in a different ballroom.

 — Dr. Gilda

Source

https://www.today.com/health/help-my-ex-wife-new-wife-dont-get-along-8C11563939

Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.

Relationship Issues ~ Compilation of Links to Blog Posts

The following blog post titles are links that will take you to relationship posts.  If you recognize an issue in this list, follow the link to find out how you can cope with it, or resolve the problem.  You'll also find posts that celebrate and encourage happy partnerships.

Is Your Partner Emotionally Unstable ~ here's a checklist

Narcissists ~ why they deliberately try to make their partners jealous

Emotional Cheating ~ 10 signs that's what you're doing

Are You Spiritually Connected to Your Partner ~ Here's 7 signs you are

If An Ex Contacts You Out-of-the-Blue

Twin Flames ~ Do we all have one?... and other questions

Searching For an Ex On Social Media ~ 13 things you need to know

Mid-Life Crisis ~ the signs and symptoms

When Does Flirting Become Cheating ~ 9 red flags

Cheating and Sexual Addiction ~ 6 Types of Cheaters

Forever Engagements ~ It's a Thing!

Emotional Deprivation Disorder ~ and the inability to maintain healthy relationships

Facebook and Couples ~ browsing separately together

Relationships ~ The Serial Over-lapper

How to Get Revenge on a Cheating Husband

The Myth of the Golden Age of Marriage

8 Signs Someone is Jealous of Your Relationship

15 Signs His Friends Don't Like You

Cougars versus Dirty Old Men

8 Reasons Why Sex is Better After 50

5 Drama-Free Ways to Announce Your Engagement

Chronic Cheaters

Some Ex-cellent Ex-advice

Twin Flames ~ Understanding the Connection

23 (Very Down-to-Earth) Signs You've Met Your Soul Mate

Abandonment Issues ~ How it affects relationships

Dating After Divorce ~ Your Checklist of Do's & Don'ts

Your Ex ~ Signs They Are Over You

10 Signs Revealing His Ex is On His Mind

10 Ways to Tell He's Lying

Second Time Around ~ Should You Remarry Your Ex?

When Your Ex is Stalking You

Seven Ways to Introduce Your Boyfriend After 50

The Loneliness of the Long Distance Breakup

Do's and Don'ts ~ What You Shouldn't be Doing With Anyone But Your Partner

Text Message Cheating

When You Fall In Love With the Guy Whose Still In Love With His Ex

8 Signs Your New Partner is Not Over Their Ex

Dealing With a Jealous Ex-Spouse

Signs Your Ex Wants You Back

My Ex-Wife and My New Wife Don't Get Along

Relationships ~ 4 Situations That May Be Considered Cheating

When He's Stuck in a Codependent Relationship with His Ex

The Naked Truth ~ Why Sex After 50 Is Still Hot

Advice for Those With Divorce Regret

Is Talking to Your Ex-Spouse Normal?

Celebrating Soul Mates ~ Signs You've Met Your Soul Mate

Signs He's Still in Love With His Ex

When Someone Responds to Your Boundaries With Anger

Seven Secrets to a Healthy Relationship Over 50

Divorce ~ Cut the Marital Cord Already!

Wedding Showers ~ Creating Sacred Space

Why Falling in Love Over 50 Kicks Ass

What If Your Spouse is Having an Emotional Affair?

Eight Signs You've Met Your Soul Mate

Eight Ways Lying is Poisonous to a Relationship

How To Break It Off With an Ex Who Won't Let Go...

Advice for Those With Divorce Regret

I think there are a lot of men and women out there who have divorce regret. The vast majority don't admit it, to themselves or to anyone else, but I feel for people who have regret. They wish they could turn back time. They say things like, “I wish I would have tried harder” “I wish I would have appreciated him/her more” “I didn’t know how great I had it” “I was so stupid” “I thought he/she was the problem, but really it was me” and this guy, whose comment on Divorced Girl Smiling honestly made me want to cry. “I’ve Broken My Own Heart” he writes: 

Hello everyone. I’m one of those sorry SOBs that cheated on his wife of 20+yrs and two kids, with her “best friend”, married the best friend the day after my divorce was final and have regretted it every single second of my life ever since. Yep, you get what you deserve in this life. I’d give anything to go back in time, knowing what I know now, and love my 1st wife like she’s never been loved, honored, appreciated, respected, or admired in her life. But, I can’t. I’ve screwed up beyond words. I had the best life anyone could have asked for. But, I was bored with it all. People kept telling me how blessed I was, but I couldn’t see it. I was blinded by selfishness. So, I threw it all away for someone that I thought was my “soul mate”. Oh, how I was wrong. So wrong. 5 years later, I still can’t ignore the overwhelming guilt and shame of what I did. Only for a couple of minutes a day does the memory of my 1st wife, kids, and family leave my mind. She was my soul mate and truly my true love. But I threw her away. I can’t put into words how I’ve broken my own heart, but I know it pales in comparison to how I broke my soul mate’s heart. I’m so sorry sweetness. If you ever read this, I’m so sorry.

What would I like to say to this guy? First, reading this broke my heart and I don’t even know you! Oh, how I want to hug this guy and tell him that after five years, he really needs to start forgiving himself and accepting what is, and stop being trapped in the frustration of not being able to change the past. 

Here are some things that might be going on with him. The reason I say “might” is because I am not a therapist and I know nothing about his situation other than what he wrote. He was unhappy and “bored” in his first marriage, so he cheated and thought he found happiness with someone else, only to realize shortly after that he wasn’t happy with her either. So, why is he unhappy? Does he have childhood issues that haven’t been resolved that is causing the unhappiness? Is he unhappy with himself, his professional life, life in general? Is something missing? Because I feel like now, twice, he feels like the grass is greener. What gives? Unless the second wife is a complete nightmare, there is something deeper going on, because why else is he again wanting what he doesn’t have? 

There is also a component of self-hatred here. Why is he still punishing himself after 5 years? He talks about guilt and shame. He needs to find a way to forgive himself. Maybe that means therapy, maybe it means telling his first wife and kids how genuinely sorry he is for what he did, maybe he needs marriage counseling with his second wife. 

Whatever it is that he needs, he needs to take some action, so that his present life starts working for him. Otherwise, he will remain in this state of divorce regret, self-loathing, hopelessness, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness. 

He should reflect on his mistakes in a productive way, not in a way in which he beats himself up.  

Here is some advice for anyone with divorce regret. I feel like regret, any regret, is a huge waste of time. It is a non-productive emotion. No one can turn back time and reverse a decision, an action, something you said. So what is the point of being mad at yourself for making a bad choice? You can’t take it back. All you can do is work on yourself so that your decisions are better in the future.

[Source:  Jackie Pilossoph is the creator of her website, Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of her novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationship column, Love Essentially, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press. Pilossoph lives with her family in Chicago. Oh, and she’s divorced.]

Read the complete article here: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/advice-for-those-with-divorce-regret_b_59135ff4e4b0e3bb894d5cf3

Is Talking to Your Ex-Spouse Normal?

Fewer revelations can cause the eyebrows of new acquaintances to shoot up faster than when you divulge that you have remained on friendly terms with your ex-spouse. From your point of view, the relationship took time to evolve, and you're proud of it. But to other people, your divorced relationship just doesn't seem normal. So now you're wondering: Is it? In general, psychologists and marriage counselors frown on talking to an ex unless the couple shares children. Here's why.
Assess Your Motives

You don't have to tell anyone else what you're thinking, but you should be honest with yourself: Why do you want to talk to your ex? In other words, what do you stand to gain by continuing to talk with someone whom you either chose to divorce or who chose to divorce you? These questions may seem harsh. But psychologists point to research, which reports that an ex-spouse relationship can interfere with your ability to begin a meaningful relationship with someone new, or, if you've already moved on, undermine the new relationship. In both cases, maintaining a dialogue with an ex-spouse is more than abnormal; it also can be unhealthy. 

• Children Are the Exception

The one caveat, however, to the “no talking zone” is if you and your ex-spouse have a child or children together. As psychologist Jill Weber says, “The only legitimate reason for contact not to be avoided is if you have children and must communicate about co-parenting responsibilities. Otherwise, continuing, or attempting to continue, communication with your ex will only prolong your suffering ‒ and prevent you from beginning a productive process of letting go.”

In fact, your co-parenting agreement – a legal document – may require communication about such important issues as your child's health, safety and education.
Communicate About Kids – and Only Kids – With Respect

Many divorcing couples with children are required by law to take a co-parenting class before their divorce is finalized. However, it's easy to forget some of the sensible rules these classes attempt to teach about ex-spouse contact. These include:

Speak to each other in a cordial, respectful manner. (If your ex-spouse crosses a line or you find yourself beginning to do so, end the conversation and agree to pick it up at a later time.)
Restrict your communication – phone, email or text – to parenting issues. This may sound impersonal – and it should be. You're divorced now, so even talking about your fears and concerns about your children could unwittingly open the door to a confusing emotional entanglement. Keep that door closed – and start regarding your former life partner as more of a business partner. Never involve your child (or children) in communication that should remain between the two of you. (Such an arrangement can create undue stress for everyone and risk miscommunication of important details.) 

• Repeat a Four-Point Mantra

If you have no children, it may help to repeat a four-point mantra if you think that talking to an ex is normal. Such communication serves only to: 

1) make it more difficult to heal from the divorce; 

2) divert energy from new experiences and pursuits; 

3) perpetuate a fantasy – no matter how latent – that your former relationship still exists; and 

4) remind you of the mistakes or missteps that led to the divorce in the first place.

[Source:  M. T. Wroblowski

https://oureverydaylife.com/talking-exspouse-normal-31627.html ]

Divorce in the 21st Century

From personal experience (divorced more than once), I can tell you that the woman is most often labeled as the villain in this scenario, no matter what the circumstances of the break-up happen to be.  If the husband is having an affair, it's usually justified by popular speculation that the wife is neglecting him.

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People are really thrown for a loop when there is a divorce without the customary affair, cheating, histrionics, and usual drama.  It almost makes them angry, maybe because they aren't able to neatly categorize the situation in their mind.

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Couples are friends with other couples.  Once a 'Couple' is separated and becomes singular, they no longer fit the criteria of what's acceptable for friendship within the world of Pairs.  Apparently it causes some sort of disruption in the social aspect of things.  I'm not sure.  But if a friendship is maintained between a 'Couple' and a 'Non-Couple', it usually only entails one party, and this is usually the man...this has been my experience over the course of four divorces.  I'm not sure why this is so, still working on this one.  Maybe trying to emotionally compartmentalize how both non-couple people could fit into the scenario is just too difficult or confusing.  As I said, I haven't figured this one out yet.

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An odd observation:  Single women seem to be viewed as more of a threat than single men.

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Women who are in the midst of a divorce are often viewed as evil-- remember, I have plenty of experience here.  I've wondered why this is and have come to the conclusion that it's probably because women who decide to take charge of their own lives (i.e. Strong Women) are stereotypically viewed as some sort of a threat in our society.  (Egads, the Little Woman is making her own money, taking care of her own space, and making her own independent decisions...what will she be doing next?!)

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In the face of a divorce, men will gather their bank accounts and material wealth tightly about them like an old mother hen carefully tucking her chicks safely beneath her ample feathered butt.  As quaint as this may sound, it's not very sanitary, and there are a surprising number of women who won't go there...me among them.

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Once in a while, in the midst of a divorce, friends and family may be called upon for an 'Intervention'.  This is usually instigated by one member of the Former Couple, the one who doesn't want the divorce.  It's amazing how many people can be sucked into this sort of thing without having all the facts, without being aware of the private dynamics of the relationship, and without taking into account the various reasons the divorce has been instigated in the first place.  They come racing in like movie heroes on galloping white horses, coming to what they think of as The Rescue, totally oblivious to the fact that the curtain has descended, the movie is over.  The End.

Quite frankly, marriage is a private personal contract between two people and the breaking of this contract is also a private personal decision.